I'm just really tired.

I am... I don't know. Things are just... rough right now. I'm trying not to let it show so if it seems like I'm coming off kind of jerkish it's just because I don't really know how to deal with this right now... more so things with my dad than anything. I hate Christmas. I always have. I'm trying not to let it really show but Christmas is just a rough time for me. I never really had a good family time during Christmas. Never had the closeness of immediate family to wake up to on Christmas. Never had Santa Claus, which I mean... yeah that was partly my fault because I told my mom I didn't think Santa could exist, but nevertheless. Santa or no Santa, I never really got much ever.

And now my dad is really sick and I just... I still don't know what to feel about that. I don't know if I should feel indifferent or if I should feel remorse? I don't really know... so many times he's told me he didn't care if something happened to me. And even a  few times where he was the one who decided to try and take that into his own hands. I refuse to try and make amends with him anymore... I just, I really can't handle it. I'm tired of him. I'm tired of all the crap he's put me through... I just want it all to end. Even when he isn't directly doing something to me I always have something on my mind that really bothers me about him. And I try so hard to keep it all back to keep it from bothering me, but I can't. Sigh... I don't know what to do. I still wish he would call me and just once... just once in my life tell me he was proud of me or something, some kind of fucking acknowledgement from him that I've not turned out to be a complete waste of life or anything like that... but it'll never happen so I may as well just forget that. He'll probably forever think I'm the worst thing that could ever have happened to him and hate me forever. Which, I've pretty much come to accept that. It is what it is. I can't change the way he feels about me. I don't think I do anything to him to deserve the way he treats me, but who knows. Maybe he thinks I do.

I miss Greg... it's really hard around Christmas time though because he used to get me little gifts but they were little gifts that meant a lot to me... and whenever I would fall asleep in the car or something after our Christmas dinner he'd carry me into the house and tuck me in bed and everything and fuck I'm crying... I just really miss him. Like, so much... he was like what I imagine a real good dad would be like. Someone caring and understanding and he was supportive. He genuinely cared for me and he loved me and I feel like sometimes I took that for granted and I should've visited him more when he was in a nursing home or called him more, or even told him I love him more but I didn't... and now he's gone and fuck it's hard. I can't let my mom know it bothers me though. She has a hard enough time with Christmas let alone with me telling her I'm upset about him. And I hate, hate, hate so much that I had to be the one to tell her that he died... I will never in my life forget the look on her face when I did. But yeah... it's just hard losing one of the few people who you knew loved you unconditionally and you thought was always going to care for you. My grandpa was the same way. He used to call me Super Pax or Paxyman and he'd always go on walks with me or take me fishing and I knew that if I ever needed something I could talk to him but now he's gone too and pretty much I'm just... by myself. And I hate it so much.

I mean, yeah. I have my mom but hell I'm doing the parenting even for her. I'm taking care of her and everything. And my little brother, and neither of them really show any real appreciation for it. Or they've always  something to nitpick about. And yeah, I love my mom, and I know she loves me, but even her and I went through a period where I don't think she was very fond of me or anything and it really puts a burden on me. Not that I'll ever let that show or anything of the sorts.

And I'm sorry I'm so worrisome. I really try not to... you just really gotta understand where I'm coming from with alcohol. The first time I had a drink in a long, long time was my 18th and I didn't even drink a lot. And that was just a once in a long time celebratory drink. Won't happen again for quite awhile, I'm sure. You seem to be frequenting more and more. And ugh, I hate telling you it bothers me because I hate having you change your ways because I'm stupid. I don't care if you go out and have fun just be prepared for me to not be in a great mood about it. I won't bitch at you about it, of course. I just don't really want to hear about it because it terrifies me something is going to happen to you or that you're going to get a bit too friendly with it and then you're gonna start making stupid mistakes like me and I'm so sorry I'm like this I'm just... I've just a lot going on right now that's really bothering me and this isn't a major thing but it's adding to it.

I just... I really hate Christmas a lot of bad memories come back to me and I don't want to deal with it but I don't wanna seem like a little shit for complaining about it but fuck I have like seasonal depression I think. I'm trying so hard to make myself seem happy and what not... thinking hey maybe it'll make me happy but it's not... I'm not happy. I'm sad. I'm just really sad... and I feel really lonely. I know I'm not... I've friends but I don't have friends here. I don't have anyone who is actually here that I can hug and lean on and all of my friends that I ever really get close to leaves me... or doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Or they're here one minute and decide to ignore me the next. I'm tired of fucking people in my life leaving me. I'm just tired of all this crap. The only real person I have that I know will always be there for me, and is not even a fucking person is Cooper. That's sad but I don't care... he helps though. He knows when I'm upset. Like now. He's laying beside me licking my face a little with his head on my shoulder. Silly, dog... but he's the best dog I've ever had in my life. Anyway... I reckon I'm done with this I don't know what else to say.

i cant do this... oh god i hate this... i hope so much you don't hate me.. i really didnt want to hurt you. i hurt myself just as much in doing this... i'm a wreck a complete and utter wreck and now swati hates me but i wasn't doing it to hurt you... i'm so sorry.

Weeble.

I finally slept last night. I didn't sleep till 5 am. But, I at least slept more than two hours. I was beyond exhausted. My body literally just completely shut down on me. In the past four days, before last night, I slept maybe 6 hours. If I was lucky. And it'll probably start like that again. I'm just having horrid insomnia. And even though last night wasn't the most restful sleep my nightmares weren't as bad. I didn't wake up screaming, just woke up long enough to calm myself down. I'm tired... of everything. 

I read your blog everyday... just making sure that you're okay. I don't know how I feel anymore. About the situation, I mean. I love you, very much. I know that. I was a train wreck the past few days... I feel a bit better now that I've had some sleep but I don't know how long it'll last. I miss you. A lot. Like you're actively part of my thoughts... all the time. In my dreams, in my nightmares, in my daily thoughts. I think you're doing fine though without me. Which is good I guess. 

I've been doing a whole lot of nothing... it's been all I can do just to get out of bed because I've just been nothing but completely exhausted. I was getting to the point of having trouble functioning. Nyeh. I don't know. I feel stressed. And tired. Tomorrow I have the EMT ride along with Southside Emergency crew. 12 hours of calls. In a big city. I pray that I sleep a decent amount tonight. And thank fucking goodness I slept some last night. I would've had to cancel otherwise. Would've been too dangerous for me to try and do that on so very little sleep. 

Sigh, I reckon I'm done with this. I won't say I'm okay, I'm not. But, I'm not terrible either. I'm just kind of here right now. I feel a little bit better now that I've had some sleep but yeah. Sighsighsigh. 

I'm tired of this crap.

Really, I am. I'm tired of fighting with you, not being able to get through a week without some kind of confrontation with you. Why the fuck are you being so stubborn about everything? I don't understand it. You're complaining about things then when you know what I'm going to say, you just turn me down or laugh it off. I'm not kidding anymore, I'm being entirely serious now. You need to go to the doctor, you need to get checked out. And so what if you don't complain about throwing up everyday? The fact that it's happening frequently, and yes frequently can me a couple weeks apart is reason enough to go. And then to boot you're legs have been killing you tell me them hurting, but of course the second they stop hurting, even for a single minute you've got to lay it in my face and then deny going to the doctor again. It's nothing but excuses from you here lately... All I'm trying to do is look out for you, care for you even though I'm halfway around the world. But, you're not letting me and it's getting old, frankly. I'm worried sick about you. Neither of us said I love you when we fought earlier. Normally even if we do fight, we do. But, not tonight. And that upsets me far worse than it probably should.

And then you're whole defiance act against your parents. What on Earth is that going to solve? Yes, you said your mother doesn't trust you to make your own mistakes and life choices. But, you said yourself you're just going to be petty and try and undermine her and not listen. Great, so you're going to take away your already limited time with me because you can't just suck it up and listen to what they lay out for you. I understand your want for independence but, Sukanya it is not all that it's cracked out to me. I mean, sure you don't have someone telling you what to do, but you've so much more responsibility... and it's not fun. You've enough on your plate with most things being handed to you, food, shelter, water, schooling. Imagine if you had to fend for yourself right now and you could be completely rid of your parents. Completely and you wouldn't have to deal with their control ever again? How would you manage? Yeah, they're strict, yeah it sucks. But you're not capable of fending for yourself yet, it's really as simple as that. And if you get mad at me for saying this, fine so be it. But, it's the truth. I know you better than anyone else and I can say that honestly.

I was thinking earlier when I was just laying in bed... we used to have such good times, we were absolutely brilliant together, completely inseparable. When I saw you online I would drop everything to go talk to you, and for the most part I still do. But, now it's like we don't look at each other the same, really. Like, I feel like I've done something to push you away. I feel so distant from you now. I don't know why, and I don't know what it is. Our roles have completely reversed. You used to be the robot one and now it seems more and more like I am, and I'm not used to it. Because I guess I brought your walls down so much, I've made a mess out of you. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe it's a combination of things, I mean don't know. But... I'm scared that with you saying you're going to change and you need to toughen up you're going to push me out again. Because, the only way I can really stay as close as we are is if we are completely open with each other. This won't work being as far apart as we are otherwise. I don't want to lose you. Simple as that. But, I won't sit here and bicker with you more and more and watch our relationship crash and burn. This is just turning more and more into a normal teenage, petty  relationship. And that scares me. I mean, it really does. I don't want to lose you over something petty like that you know. Over us fighting because one of us just feels the need to snap and take it out on the other. And it still bothers me about what you said, about me always being defensive, I mean it really does to be honest. I still don't really know what you expect of me anymore, honestly I don't. You said you want me to be open and talk with you and when I voice my opinion I'm being defensive. It's like now that you've gotten what you tried so hard to get out of me, the ability to be angry with you, you want me to change again and just take the shit you deal me. That's what it honestly feels like. And I"m sure that's not your intentions but think about it. You tried for so long to get me to stick up for myself, questioned me a lot about it. And now that I am sticking up for myself and voicing my opinions I'm being defensive about it. I just don't get it.

I don't know where we're headed, Sukanya. But, seriously... at the moment it's not looking so good and we have to find a way to change that. I mean, you really don't see that I still hold you up as priority in my life. You're still the most important thing to me, and it's like you don't see that anymore? I don't know how to say what I'm thinking here... I am so very much in love with you, and when you say it's like I don't really wanna deal with you anymore, that talk hurts. Because words always hurt worse. I've done nothing but be there for you, nothing but care for you. And sometimes it feels like even that's not enough anymore... I don't know I just needed to lay all this out, I don't know when or if you'll read this. But, I'm sorry if you really feel like I haven't been caring as much. And no I'm not just saying that. I am genuinely sorry for all the times I've made you feel like that. It was never my intention. You should know where you stand with me, if you don't then I guess there's nothing I can do to change that. I just don't know anymore. I really don't.

Roger Rabbit.

     I deemed it an appropriate title because I am listening to it now, and I am slightly (Okay, maybe not slightly) obsessed. But, that's besides the point of course... right? >_> Lol. Hmm. My life seems to be complicating again, I am trying to figure out what to do work it out without it becoming too overbearing for any one person. I have several people to include in what I chose to do, including myself, of course.
     Hmm. Well, for one me. I have a lot going on, and I'm not even doing anything right now. Just a lot of internal stress for external forces. If that makes sense, it makes sense to me okay? ;__; I need another job, desperately. But, I'm kind of picky on where I want to work. I REALLY want to work somewhere outside, but it's not seeming likely at this point, so I think I will have to pursue a job indoors. Sigh. I am going to be busy again at the end of August so I am going to have to find something willing to be lenient with my schedule. What a paaaain. I swear, Murphy's Law has special interest in my life. Constantly out to show it's ugly face wherever it can, whenever it can. Plus, I am working another job so on most Friday and Saturday, I will be unavailable for my other job unless I work the early morning shifts and be off in time to get to my next job. I do not like working two back-to-back jobs, but if that what it requires to get me through my hard time, then that is what I will do. I am okay with that. Being I am mature enough to handle myself in a tough situation. Yaaay growing up at a young age.
     Another thing that is concerning me, dealing with my mother. She said something to me the other day that is still weighing heavy on my mind and making me feel terrible. But, there is no way I can fix what has already happened. Living with no regrets, wouldn't that be an amazing thing? I cannot live without regrets, for too many things make me have to regret. Like for instance, what my mother said to me. It really makes me sad that she has felt that way all these years and is only now coming out with it. I hope I am not a disappointment to her. I have tried my hardest to live up to the man that she needs, since the one man that was good to her and the rest of my family passed on. I am unsure sometimes, especially when she makes statements like that. Yes, she may have thought I could handle that but that was a deep hit, and it will take time for me to let it go. Or accept that what's done is really done and the most I can do is make it better.. Sigh. Wow, this is going to prove to be a very long blog post. Oh well.
     Let's see... now my mother is of concern in my decision making. She would primarily be the person I do it for. My mom is becoming close to being homeless again, and I do not have the financial stability to help her much longer. I have $3 to my name. That's it. And when I do work, I only work on weekends, and the meagerly money I make there goes to keeping my moms head above water so she doesn't have a complete break down. She has to have her medicines to function. She went one day without her medicine and good lord, she turned to a different woman, a severely pained and snappy woman. I would not be able to tolerate that very long. I do not have the patience for it. But, I have to do something. I wish I could afford my own place, and get my mom out of where she is and support and get her medicine, but I cannot. Even more so since she brings absolutely no money in herself. She did before, but the government is fucking irritating and so damn picky on who they give out money to. Most people have to go to court to get disability because they most the time deny you. Fucked up, right? Mhm. Ughhhh.
     And, Sukanya. You are of course, of concern too. Being of major importance in my life. If I were to take on a second job I would not be around very much, at all. Between my EMT classes, and balancing two jobs, and studying? Sigh. I fear it would be too much for you. But, again. I am left with little other choices. Actually... I'm left with no other choices. I do not know what else to do. I will try my best to be with you as much as possible. But, I can't see another way to help my mother, and support myself financially.
     At times like this, the military starts to seem like such a good option... I would have pretty firm job security, and I could still be a medic, I would just have to be trained in the crude ways of the military and how they train their medics, but I do not mind the gore, so I could manage, and they could help me further my career. I don't know. That is really the only other option I can conjure up... going and seeing a recruiter. I  am torn. I do not particularly want to join the military. I would join the Coast Guard, though. If I had to. Least severe of the branches. And honestly, I do not want to be cooped at a station. Doing station work. Since I have nothing tying me down right now I would want to go out on a boat and explore. I could go to all kinds of cool places. And still do what I love and be out on the water, which I love as well. I will admit it is ever becoming a more tempting option. Who knows, maybe I will set up an appointment with a recruiter and just see, doesn't hurt to explore that option, I suppose. Serve maybe 4 years in the service then be out and I could go back to college for something have the military to help pay for it. Or I could stay in and just go to bases. Being mindful I would need to stay somewhere near the coasts, rather than going to tornado alley, but that would not be such a bad thing, I guess. I rather enjoy the coast, it's what I grew up to. I just do not by any means wish to stay in Virginia. I love it so, but no. I want to leave it.
     Anyway, I do not know what to do right now. I am being put into a corner right now, with little option. But, I need to figure something out fast.

As frustrations build...

I feel so frustrated right now I feel like sobs are going to start fucking ripping through me. You really have struck a nerve tonight, and you can close to having me angry with you. I am always there, I always care you know this. Even if it doesn't seem like it, I do. Even if I'm a little distracted with something else, I do. I am not always going to be that attentive little puppy. But god when I am not, you jump so fast to the "You don't care" card. And that fucking sucks, honestly. That you hop so fast to that, like it's a common thing for me to treat you like shit or not listen to you or something. Not, "Oh hey... maybe he's just a little busy." No, no... because I'm a grade A ass I guess. Fuck. And then just now when you are trying to be straight forward it really seems like you're having to spell every little thing out to me because fuck maybe Paxton won't understand. I know you're not meaning to, but fuck. And then you saying that your problems aren't as great as mine, insinuating that I say they are? I mean, what. When do I ever do that? I don't know. I don't know with you right now. If it was at all your intentions to make me feel like complete shit? Good job, reckon you succeeded at that. Because fuck I do. I feel like you honestly think I belittle your problems and don't care. I mean, I try not to? Maybe I do? I mean I don't know... I think I'm just gonna curl up and just break for now.  Maybe that's just what I need, I don't know. I don't care right now, honestly.

Meh...

I had a dream you got angry I wasn't around so much and left me... I remember in this dream feeling incredibly depressed, like badly. It was scary. I know you're probably tired of hearing this from me, but I'm sorry I can't be around as much right now. And I have so much going on, I just hate to make you upset or anything. I'm kind of going through a rough time right now... between my moms liver failing and my uncle dying, and they told my mom that she was pre-diabetic, that's what took Greg away from me... I can't lose my mom too. That'll mean pretty much every person I ever truly cared for family wise, will be gone. My grandpa, the only person who deserves to be called my dad, my uncle and my mom if something happens to her. Gah. I can't handle this shit right now. I'm scared. And don't think for a second that I don't miss you... I miss you so much it's not even funny. I just can't be there as much as I used to be able to. Too much going on right now. Nothing can go right for any extended period of time, course not... that'd be too easy. Ugh.

.-. ...

I'm scared it's gonna get to be too much and you're gonna leave me.. Ugh. I don't even feel like writing right now. I'm just scared.

Change?

I feel like I'm changing again. I'm not sure if it's for better or for worse, or if I'm just growing up more. Taking on that different life path. I want to change my outlook on life. Change who I am in a sense. Not drastically. Just... cognitively. My view on life has changed to a more real life outlook already. Knowing that I am no better than an animal. I'm no better than any other man. I am who I am and they are who they are. Labels are just that... labels. They're pointless things to tell who is better than who when in reality it doesn't matter. I've grown up way earlier than I should have. I'm 17. And I have the outlook of an old man. Someone who has had years and years more experience than a normal man of my age. But, alas that's not the case with me. In my 17 years of life I've been through more emotionally, mentally, and physically than some men who are in they're elder years. Not that this makes me any more competent than any given man. I just think humanity is a whole is close-minded and stupid now. No one really sees life for what it is. Take granted of it. I wish, I could more or less live the life a monk. Be one with nature, be one with the real beauty of the world and not have time and dates and everything rule my life completely. I'm scared to grow up. I don't want to be brain-washed like the rest of society. I don't want to have to live the life of a robot. Doing the same thing day-to-day and doing exactly what's always expected of me. I want to be different. But, not the crazy rebellious different. Just different. But then again, everyone is different. I don't know. What is going through my head right now is just kind of hard to explain. I am thoroughly glad that high school is over though. Leaving the petty drama that flows through those closed in walls. Seeing the same faces daily. Over... and over. Growing up with the same people is miserable. Once you're labeled, that's it. You cannot change that. Because that is just how they know you. You can't change who you are because they know, or they think they know because we've all watched each other grow up right? The ignorance of high school is profound. I'm just glad to be rid of it. I'm also glad to be rid of the social burdens it puts on me. Having to talk to people I have no desire to talk to what so ever. Seeing the cruelty of teenagers, the cruelty of humans even. No one really gets how much words effect people, even if they refuse to admit. Words hurt. A lot. Words hurt worse than any physical blow you can inflict on someone I think. That's how it is for me anyway. Like with my father, I can heal from bruises. Can't heal from words. It stays with you. Makes you hold grudges. Make you angry. But, I am trying my hardest not to let my hate consume me. I try to keep myself as under control as possible. I hate being angry. It's too much work. Too much effort to hold a grudge for almost 11 years. I feel like I'm going all over the place with this, I don't even care. It is what it is, right? I really hope I end up amounting to something in my life though, honestly. I hope that being an EMT/ fire fighter doesn't end up like burning me out or something. I don't know. It is what I want to do though. I want to save lives. I want to help people because again, I'm no better than anyone. Everyone deserves a chance to be saved right? I'd like to be the man who does that. The man who can send another injured man home to his family, or home to his life in general. I hate seeing people in pain or upset. It bothers me. It's insane how much I have changed since a year or so back. How I've morphed more and more into the man I want to be. I'll get there. I still have more things to accomplish. I got off track of what I wanted to for awhile. Lost my way on getting where I want to be. But, I pulled through. Overcame the burdens I faced and here I am today, changed and well on my way to being a good man. A man of virtues a man of morals... and a man of forgiveness. I want so hard to not hate you. To just accept you as the man you are, even though it is a fucked up man, I want to just forgive you and let go of all the pain you've caused me, my entire life. I am getting closer and closer to being ready to let it all go. That will be my hardest challenge I think. Letting go of that. Something that has held me down my entire life. Messed me up. But... also changed me for the better I guess. You doing that stuff to me, helped me realize I can be better. I can do better. I will do better. I don't know what happened to you. What made you finally snap. I know you never really cared for me. And I think you are just messed up in the head. Your hatred for me might not even be your fault. You might just be that messed up. Who am I to say? I don't know. I can't say for sure. I just have to find it in me to let it go. Forgive it even though I do not want to right now. Not completely. I still have a bit more hating you to do. So, for now I'll leave this be and be done with it.

Can't do shit.

I'm sorry, first of all. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like when you get sad like this and I can't cheer you up but asses like Keanie can make you smile, I'm not good at what I do anymore. Then again, asses like Keanie are bound to be more funny than I am. I just wish I could take away your pain. About the not wanting to hear it thing, I was kind of drunk last night... so, I don't know. I'm sorry though. I'm sorry that I can't help you. I can't take away your pain. I'm here for you like I always am. As much as I can be... but is it enough? I feel like me not being able to fully be here for you like I used to is going to push you away from me. It terrifies me, frankly. I don't want to lose you but I'm not going to be able to be around as much, I mean that's just a fact... I'm going to be joining the Rescue Squad and Fire Department here soon, and then I'll have to pull hour duties, not to mention if I actually make friends I'll have stuff to do. This is my once chance for some quietness for you and I and for me to actually have a good time down here, and I'm fucking up both of them. .-. I'm sorry...
I hope you are not angry or upset with me that I can't be here as much this week... I hope I'm not unintentionally going to push you away. I hope I can cheer you up soon. I feel like your always irritated with me now. .-.

This world.

     How do you live in a world you feel is constantly out to get you? That's a rhetorical question, don't answer that. I hate this shit. I hate feeling like everything purposely has to go wrong for me. No matter what. I am very tired right now, which makes me very angry. I am in a very angry mood right now. This is what sleep + stress does to me. I already don't know how to handle my stress, but combined with lack of sleep? I'm a nightmare. But, I will hold my temper against you. I am trying not to take it out on you, you don't deserve that. You've done nothing wrong.
     I feel like my past has made me a bad person. I know, I'm not really. But, I feel like it sometimes. I'm not social, I hate being told what to do, I'm terrible with my emotions, and I'm easily angered. I just know how to control that for the most part. I don't know. I'll never forgive you for what you've done to me. I will always hate you, I'm sorry. No amount of apologies could ever make up for what you've taken from me. You took away my childhood, you took away the very aspect of my adolescent years. Forced me to grow up and become the messed up person I am right now. And you, you don't think I'm as messed up as I think I am. But, I do think I am. They're more cognitive problems than anything, I guess.
     Stress relievers. I need them desperately. I don't have time for them though, I mean this helps writing it all out, but not really as much as I need it to. I don't have time for much really. Not really. That and I just don't have the drive for it. I'm so used to wallowing in my own stress and pain that I don't have the drive to get rid of it. I feel like if I'm not stressed, I won't have much purpose, really. I'd feel empty? I mean, I'm sure I'd feel better in the long run, but not for the time being. Stress is what pushes me through things. But, it's also what pushes me to break downs. What pushes me to do things I try so hard to stay away from. I keep having dreams of this woman who told me I was going to Hell when I was younger. Telling me how bad of a person I am and stuff. I don't know, I don't know how to handle it. That woman was scary. Her eyes more than anything. The way she looked at me then, and the way she looks at me in my dreams. It's haunting. I don't believe in Hell or Heaven really. But, if there is one, and I am wrong, then she makes a pretty convincing case that, that is where I am going to end up.
     And my mom, she's injured again. She is feeling a bit better now. But, I don't have the money to keep supporting her like this. I mean, I don't work that much, I get paid pretty well for the one day a week I do work, but not enough for her medicine. And her unemployment ran out, so that money will be stopping soon. Which means she will be literally broke. Minus getting food stamps. They make getting disability virtually impossible in the United States. There is much controversy about whether to just get rid of the system completely or not. 99% of the time you will get denied for disability and you have to get a lawyer in order to get it. But, personally I don't think you should get rid of it. I mean, yes there are people who abuse the system, but there are also people who genuinely need that money. Genuinely need that support. Just weed through the people who don't. It's not that hard, really. But, America is lazy. And doesn't really care for the people much as whole. Just about lining their own pockets. This country isn't as great as everyone makes it out to be. I mean, every country has it's problems, but this one is just going down the drain.
     When I get angry, I get into this... red zone. And I have to very cautious not to stay in there. Because... I lose contact of reality when I get that angry. It's like an out of body experience really. The anger just consumes me and I can't control myself anymore. Scary, right? But, I've learned to put a pretty tight bind on it. But, lately it keeps trying to boil it's way to the top of my control and break free. And that's not good. I have to find some way of coping with my life. Coping with my emotions and my stress. Or I'm going to be afraid for the person who sets me off. But, I don't think it'd come to that, really. It'd take a lot, even now. You'd have to do something pretty messed up for me to go that far.
     Writing this has made me feel a bit better, I am just vent typing right now. Writing whatever comes to mind that is irritating me right now. But, whatever.
     I have three more weeks of school. /3/ more weeks of High School. I know pretty much what I'm doing now. But, I'm still scared I'm just going to wind up being a failure. Live up to my dads standards he's set for me, being a a nobody. He has dragged me down my entire life. Fucked me up in ways that probably I will never heal from. But, I am trying so hard to keep my head. Trying so hard to make myself someone. Hopefully for once, things will go in my favor. We'll see though. I guess you never know.
     I don't want to go to sleep, I don't want to see that woman in my dreams anymore. She seriously bothers me. I don't know why. She says things I don't believe in. And I know they're dreams. But, it's like she just knows what bothers me. Knows what gets to me. It's a dream, Paxton. I know. I know it's a dream. I know it's just my subconscious messing with me. But... I don't know. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.

I think I'm done for now... I feel better.

I can't...

I can't do this shit anymore... I pushed myself to blacking out I had a panic attack so bad. I feel terrible. Everything is just on me right now and I'm pushed over the edge... I feel depressed as well. I'm sorry if I'm irritating you with it... I'm trying to shove it all back, even though I know I shouldn't... I just need to get all this shit to go away. I feel so like... hopeless right now.
I just feel like I'm falling apart, completely. Just breaking into little pieces, falling into rock bottom. I just want it to stop... my grandpa was calling me all kinds of names earlier... it's like he knows I've tipped into depression and now I'm free game. I don't know.
I feel like just freaking out and thrashing things and letting my anger out... crying... punching.. I don't care. Just need to get it out my system. I'm sorry for scaring you earlier... also seemed like I was annoying a bit earlier as well. I don't know. My mind was a million different places... I'm sorry. /:

Overloaded.

I can't deal with my life right now. I have too much going on and too little time to do it. I thought senior year was supposed to calm and care-free. If that's true then why am I on the verge on a mental fucking breakdown. I'm just losing my grips with school. With my life. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm doing. I just feel like I'm just crushed right now. Under the weight of school and everyday life. 

I don't know where this freaking packet for Chemistry is. I have to pass that class. I have to. I won't graduate if I don't. And the damn thing is worth two tests grades. I can't afford two 0's for test grades! I'll get an F and fail and have to repeat my senior year for sure. I don't lose things like this. I don't lose school things. What the fuck is going on with me? I have worked so hard... all throughout high school. I managed to stay number one in my class for awhile. And now I'm on the verge of failing my senior year. I can't handle this much stress right now. I am literally about to snap. I can handle stress fine, but not on this level. 

I have my SOLs coming up. And I have finals. And god damn all kinds of projects and essays due. Where do they expect us to have the time for all of this? It's 4 am and I'm having a mini panic attack over this stuff. I need to get out of here. It's the point where you're so stressed out you're on the verge of doing something stupid and rash. (Which I won't do.) It just is literally getting to that point right now. I feel sad, I feel kind of empty, minus the overwhelming amount of anxiety I have right now. 

I really just need all this shit to just stop and go away for awhile. I'm only one person, I can only handle so much at one time.

I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way.

What am I doing with my life. I don't even know. I have like... 3 weeks left of my high school career and I don't know what to do with my life yet. Everything is going to crash on me when I graduate. My mom was being so mean to me today. I have told her, I need to work at least a year, so the financial burdens of college aren't too great for me. I can't afford college and supporting her and I right now. I am working two little shit jobs. I don't get any hours. I make enough money to get by. But, not to go to school.

I just want to go on this vacation. I just want to spend my time at the beach and fishing and say fuck it to everything else. I just want to be able to escape for a bit. Not have to deal with an overwhelmingly amount of fucking bullshit that everyone is throwing at me. My grandparents have been on me about not amounting to anything, my dad has called me worthless since I was young. And now my mom too? Wow, thank you SO fucking much for having faith in what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing. I know what I need to do be able to financially support myself in life. Even if I end up working my ass off my entire life until I can't move anymore. This is my life. These are my choices. You could at least have the fucking decency of supporting me along the way. But, no you don't. You're just going back to doing what get's to me the most. Saying that I'm going to end up a failure. Yeah, like you. I know you're "worried" But god damnit. That shit isn't going to help!

I don't know. I'm tired of not getting any kind of support. I'm tired of having to do everything on my own. I know I'm responsible, I know I can handle myself... but, damn. I can't do everything on my own with what little stability I have right now. And, I know I have you, and I know you aren't going anywhere. And don't think you don't help me, you do a lot. More than you'll ever know, really. But, I mean like a physical presence kind of help. Or support. That I thought my mom would give me, but no. Seems not. I'm just done. I'm borderline depressed right now, I can feel it. I keep tipping back and forth in and out of it. Too much more and I'm gonna tip right into one. I've too much going on right now. I just need to get away from it all. I've been feeling really sad lately... it's killing me. I hate feeling like this. But, I feel better when I talk to you. I don't feel as smothered, as soon as you leave though. It creeps back up to me. And starts smothering me again. This black cloud that just hangs over my head, always...

I love you this big.

So, I was told to write this. I mean what the heck, not like I mind. I have a song stuck in my head called I love you this big. I used to not like Scotty McCreery, but I do now. Quite a bit. He was an American Idol winner. But yeah, I can't believe how in love with you I am. It started out as a little feeling back in August, just laying there and it just like hit me in the face. Hey, you're falling for that girl and you know you are. I was scared to death. I thought you'd completely turn me down because of all the shit that happened before. Taking our relationship that extra leap forward. It took you three months to be ready to be with me. But, I don't even care.  Waiting was so worth it. Any other girl, I would not have waited for. Fuck that. What is it with you? You change me, in a good way. Cured my insanity. Because, we all know I was insane. But, knowing that you were mine now. I have no desire at all to ever mess that up. I can't believe I can completely and honestly say, I would absolutely adore to spend the rest of my life with you. Settle down, have kids with you, have our own house. I know it's /waaaay/ to early to even consider any of this. But, everytime I look at you now I think to myself, "this is the girl for me. This is who I want to grow old with. Live my life with." I know I've told you what is gonna happen to me if we don't make it, and I know it upsets you. But, who else would be able to handle my mess like you? No one. You're understand, you're caring. You love me. You get me. No one will ever compare to you. Ever. Haha. You're gorgeous, even if you think you're average. Not to me. You are your biggest critic. But, I see you different than anyone else in the world. And you are mine. My absolutely gorgeous girl. My life now, really. Thank you for being everything and more that I have ever needed. Thank you for being there for me when I'm having my meltdowns and everything. You'll never know how much it really means to me. I want to do so much with you. Everyday. Small stuff, big stuff. I don't care. I just want to live my life with you. Through our amazing times and our bad times. I just want you by my side, always.

The Nerve of Some People.

Ellen. You have some nerve doing that tonight.
You have ignored me for months. Almost an entire YEAR and yet here you are talking to me because you and your boyfriend had a fall out.
You know what I have to say to that? Fuck you. Fuck you for that. You got a boyfriend and ran off and forgot about this guy here. I was there for you for years, Ellen. I got you through things no one else knows about. Kept your ass going. And you discard me like I'm a piece of paper tumbling in the wind. I'm nothing to you anymore. I've pushed my thoughts of you aside. Figured our friendship was done. You used to be the closest person to me? Wanna know what you are now? A bitch. How could you just dismiss like that. AFTER YEARS OF BEING THERE FOR YOU. Good fucking God I had no idea how angry I was about all this until you messaged me tonight. You ought to be lucky I didn't go off. I won't though. You won't know how angry I am with you. But, I hope what I did say to you struck home. I hope that gives you a big ol' hint at how angry you made me by messaging me tonight. Fucking nerve of some people. I hope you and your boyfriend are handy fucking dandy. Giving up a friendship like ours for a guy? Cool. Yeah, I got you. You'll see how I feel soon enough. Karma is a bitch, Ellen. Just wait.

I'm scared.

     I'm scared of what's gonna happen. I love you so much. And I know you're able to read this, and that you will read this. And that's okay. I just feel awkward writing this to you directly? I guess. I don't know. Don't mind me, I guess.
     I'm scared of losing you. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of what may or may not happen to us. Damnit, I love you so much. I love you more than I probably should. You've said if something happens to one of us, your world may crash. Mine will too. Ohmygod thinking about what might happen to us, scaaaares me to death, girl. You mean so much to me. More than I have ever cared about anyone. Yeah, I've had crushes, false alarm loves. But, nothing. And I do mean nothing has ever even come close to what you and I have. I hear about other people in relationships now that can't talk to each other in worry that they will get mad and not talk to eachother. And just constantly fighting over petty stuff. And it's like.... wow that's what I had. But, not with you. Even if someday we do end up getting into a big fight, I think we'll be fine. I think we can handle it because, well we do love each other. We love each other a lot. and reckon that's all that matters, yeah?
     I like... need you in my life now, or I won't be like, the same anymore. All this is just a giant rant about how I don't want to lose you, really. Even though there's no danger of losing you anytime soon. Distance sucks right? You're a half a world away. But damnit, fuck that. You are mine. Mine. I'm not letting you go anytime soon unless something happens that forces us to. But, I don't know what would. I don't know. I don't knooooow. An entire blog post about you. Haha. I love you, so much. I want you forever. I want to be with you forever. Grow up with you. Meet and live wherever we want. I don't know. Who knows what will happen though, right? That's a long time away. Too long.

Important thoughts, I think.

What a week.
What a week, indeed.
     Things are going decently, I reckon. Nothing too terribly bad has happened, to me anyway. My cousin though is in a world of hurt. Found out he tried dipping to Tennessee today. Getting charged with all kinds of things. Maybe I'll have the room to myself? =D Who knows. He really has this coming to him though. Like, he needs some sense knocked into him. And me going off on him evidently doesn't do too terribly much.
     I think my mother is honestly convinced that we are in the end of days now. She keeps trying to have these spiritual talks with me. I'm thinking I might just have to come out and tell her that I'm not spiritual, at all. I'm not religious. I'm an atheist. And haha, I'm not one because it's "the cool thing." No, I have reason for believing in what I do. It takes great faith to be atheist you know? To not believe in any higher power. To believe that you are responsible for your own actions entirely. I respect people who believe in God even if I think their faith is blind and they don't look through it properly. I hate the concept of religion, really. The concept of a God, that's one thing. But formed religion is insane. That's what I hate about my family being so religious. They're all about the community and how religion itself is such a wonderful thing. It's really not. Not at all. It's corrupt. Blargh. I don't see how they look over all the faults. How they can look at the bible as anything more than a giant story book. I mean, I guess it has good lessons in it? But to look at it as a factual text reference? I don't even remotely see how. My religion lies with science, I reckon. I am a firm believer of the Big Bang Theory. They can trace it back for Pete's sake. And why would God only favor one planet if he was the God of the entire universe, why only one planet of life? None of it makes sense to me. -_- At all.
     I am watching a video right now of Joseph Kony. It's very sad. I will put the video link at the bottom, because I know a few people besides my normal read my blog. I welcome you to watch the video. It's sad. But, very touching. I wish I had the social abilities to be able to do what this man is doing for that boy. I want to do something to change the world to make it a better world. To make it better for my children when I have them. But, I don't know how. I don't know what I can do. I know one person can do so much. But, I don't think that's where my life is leading me. I don't think I'ma be the guy to change the world. Although, I wish I could. I will make my childrens life better than mine. Being I have any. I've had it rough. Not nearly as rough as some. But, I will make my life better and the people around me if I can. People tell me I care too much about people sometimes. I let everyone vent to me. Even when it completely overwhelms me, I will listen to you if you need me to. I'm just that guy. I want to help you. I want to make things better. I know what it's like to not have anyone. I went through a time myself where I didn't. I don't want anyone else to have to go through that. It's a horrible feeling. Everyone needs someone yeah? I don't know. I feel like I can't do anything big. And damnit I want to. I want to do something. But, I think I'm going to get the kit as soon as it comes on sale again. I would love do that thing they're doing in April. Maybe I'll get a bunch of people together and go light up the town with it. That'd be cool right? I encourage everyone to do it! Just get the word out yeah? Best we can do.
Website: http://kony2012.s3-website-us-east-1.amazonaws.com/ Please just go watch that video. It will take 30 minutes of your time and it's well worth watching. Trust me.

Rambles.

Today was kind of miserable. Well, actually. It was quite miserable. Kind of would be an understatement. I woke up feeling like shit. My throat was hurting. I've had horrible sniffles all day. Talking to you this morning was  the only plus side of my day. Ha.

I quit soccer today. I think that may have been one of the hardest things I've ever done. Call me a baby, call me pathetic, call me what you will. I cried. I cried like a little kid. I have played soccer for fourteen years of my seventeen years of existence. Do you know how hard it is to let something go that has been such a /huge/ part of your life for the majority of your life? I bet you don't... Gah. I love soccer. No one really gets it. You, well you're the closest one to understanding it. Am I surprised at that? Not at all. How you understand me the way you do, well I'll never know. Makes no sense to me. But, anyway. Soccer is the biggest part of my life, minus you. Soccer has been my outlet. I have so much going on right now, so many times I had huge amounts of frustration and rage built up that I couldn't let out anywhere but the soccer field. My chance to get out the house. My chance of freedom. To be with people I cared about. To do something I care about, really love. And I would be right back out there today if it weren't for last year, I think. Last year like to do me in. Fourteen years of playing and I never had an extremely major injury. Last season I end my season with four concussions, a partially torn ACL and a dislocated nose, and a possible death notice. They didn't know if I would make it through the summer with the way I was. They said things could take a dive for the worse. It is almost March and all this happened last May. Almost a year, and I am still feeling the effects of those concussions. Problems I'll have to live with for the rest of my life probably. I still can't remember a lot from before. Definitely not from right around the concussions, but it stretches back far enough that I don't remember actual chunks of my life before. Maybe for the better? Maybe not? I don't know. When I told my coach, even though I can't stand him, as soon as he asked am I okay? Whoop. Bye, bye Paxton composure, hello tears. I hate crying. But damnit, that needed tears. That was like letting a huge chunk of my life go right there. Whoosh, right out the window. I pray that it was for the best, but we'll see I guess. It's not like I'll never see them again though, guess that's a plus. Look at me looking on the brighter side of things. But yeah, I'm done for now I guess. .-.

Sigh.

I'm not going anywhere. Why do I have to keep telling you this? I love you. A lot. I think it'd have to get too much for you for us to break apart. And you think your world would crash. Mine would too. I don't know what to do without you. You're my life. Shut up. Do no tell me you aren't. Because, you are. I am more dependent on you, than I think you are of me. Sadly enough. I'm backwards, I feel like I crack more than you. Fuck this makes me feel pathetic. And I'm the same way, I don't know why I am writing this where you can see it but, fuck. Distance does suck, but if we keep thinking about us not working out, it sure as hell won't. It really strikes a nerve when you talk about leaving or us not working out. I really can't handle it. Again, I'm pathetic. I love you, simple and as complicated as that. I'm not used to this. Being completely in love with someone. Having a relationship that I genuinely and care about with my entire being. Fuck I won't let it go... I'll have trouble getting over you if things do get hard and you leave. Not that I'm saying I am holding you back or anything, if you want to leave me. I can't stop you... not my right. But, of course you know where I stand. I don't know. Rant rant rant. Fuck. I am really upset right now, and I'm not entirely sure why. You're asleep. I sent you like three texts, but you didn't wake up. Lol. Oh well. .-. Guess this is what this blog is for yes? Those times I need to get things out and you can't be there for me. I need to understand that. This is your busiest year yet. I can't be the thing that holds you back. You're just gonna have to tell me to fuck off sometimes, I'm clingy, I am. But, school comes first. If you are busy, I will suck it up for a few days if you need me to. I am willing to do what I have to keep us together, unless of course you decide against it, I guess. I don't know.I am not saying you are heartless or anything. I just don't think I have it in me to leave you, even if I wanted to. I really just care way too much about you. It scares me so bad to hurt you. If I did, it would damn near kill me inside. Now I'm making myself sound weak-minded. Fuck I don't know. I do not want to break up though. No no no. I love you. Did I say that enough to you? I'm sure I tell you enough... I really do. Yeah. I'm done ranting around you. I don't know if that is going to upset you, I hope not. I really do love you, baby. I think I will always need you. Like right now. But, we both need to realize, you won't always be there. I'll have to manage on my own sometimes. Just like I hope you always need me to degree. I feel like you help me more than I help you sometimes. Which is fine. I mean, I'd rather you not be dependent of me. I don't want to end up hurting you. Which I pray I never do. But, yeah... maybe it's best you don't need me all that badly. I know I'm a huge part of your life, but yeah. I don't know. I have more I need to rant about, but maybe in a different one. This one will be for you, I guess.

On a different note by the way, I'm sorry you are getting jealous. I'm sorry I can't keep you happy all the time. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.  Seems to be what I do best, is apologize. Fuck I don't know.

Sail.

What to even write right now. I have so much on my mind, I'm not even sure where to start. I haven't heard anything more about you really. Just that you're really sick. I am probably an awful person for being glad about this. I call you dad for convenience, but you really aren't. You'll never be a father to me. A father is someone who loves and cares for his kids. Is a man, and takes responsibility for his actions. No... that's not you at all. I am a lot like you, in many way. I thank god I am not like you in that way. I vow to myself that when/if I am older and settle down. I will be the man that you never were. Treat my kids right, my wife right. Provide for them like I should. I will not be like you. I refuse. I have never hated something more in my life than I hate you. Why? Because you're a miserable, awful person. I am quantum's calmer than I was yesterday. Possibly why I am writing this now. Trying to be rational. And love, I'm sorry you had to see that side of me. I wish I could say I let it go. But... I didn't. I don't know. So, I just suppressed it. Until the next we meet, I guess. I have not felt like that in a long time. Not that angry. 17 years pretty much of emotions surfacing. I'm happy I can't remember a lot of shit that you did to me. Since my concussions. Who would've thought that getting brain damage and memory loss could be a blessing. I know there's portions of my memories missing. Just large chunks. But, when it comes to the things you put me through... I think they're better left gone. I asked the frog doctor about it. But, he said they may or may not come back. They may come back all at once, progressively, or maybe not at all. I pray not all at once, if they do. I'd rather them just stay gone. Gives me room for new memories. Lol. Even though the capacity for your long term memory is seemingly infinite. Oh well. Lemme believe what I chose, for now anyway. I'm so glad I didn't go to the hospital last night. I may have ended up in jail. Specially with the stuff I was feeling last night. Gah. And then last night. I was sitting there... knew that I needed to sleep. I just wasn't tired, at all. It was so frustrating. Least I got a couple hours anyway. Even if I feel like a dead person today. I think I'll take a nap after this. Fuck it if anyone gets mad. They'll get over it. I'm in desperate need for some rest. I have so much I need to do today though. I have three projects. Err, well technically two. Since I finished my English one now. You can do it, Paxton. Just stay on top of things this semester. Maybe you can even get your rank back? Self talk. Who knows. Maybe it'll do me some good. I'm glad I have you keep sane, baby. I don't even know what I would do without you anymore. You're my lifeline, as much as I probably shouldn't say it. Having you see that side of me last night, honestly made me want to leave... I didn't want anyone to know how much anger I really have inside me... and I didn't even snap. It was all just boiling right below the surface... I'm scared of myself. Honestly. I'm scared of what is going to happen to me I finally do collapse in on myself. It's bound to happen. I don't want you to be around for that. I don't want to hurt you. And I'm scared I might, Or hurt myself. Or someone else. Or I don't know. I've never had it happen. It's just been close to happening. But, I try and keep the reins on myself pretty tight. Pray they stay strong. They're weathered and worn, but I can hold on yet. It has to get better eventually.... right? I hope... I'm 17 and have been through so much. I feel as though I am pretty much a man. I pretty much support myself. I just don't own the roof over my head. But, I can't think of myself like that. Knowing the feelings I harbor, inside I know I can't be a true man, feeling the way I do. That's what scares me I'm going to be like you. You don't let anything go either. I think that's why you are so fucked up. And you're so fucked up that you're fucking me. I was told you can already tell it's fucking me up. My mind is getting fucked from this shit. And you'll never stop. It's like your life mission to take me down with you. Why. I just. I don't even understand why you would want to do something like that. Or what if I get like that? And something snaps in me and I turn out just... like.. you.. oh my god. It about gives me a panic attack just thinking about it. I'ma end up having a fucking heart attack with you.. lol. So much going on.... I just can't even deal with it anymore... Just can't.

Have Faith In Me

     I'm gonna start labeling these as the name of the song playing when I start. Lol. Seems kind of a fun thing to do. Never know what you'll get. It's Super Bowl Sunday. Biggest sports day in America. Yeah, I don't really care. I do want the Giants to win though. It'd be nice to see them beat the Patriots. I may not involve myself much with Football but omg I hate the Patriots and the Cowboys. e.e I'm all for the Redskins.
     I feel weird that I never talk about my friends on these things, lol. I don't have friends to talk about. I don't hang out with people, obviously. My only real friend has pretty much ditched me for this guy, Tre and her boyfriend. Lol Pax? Who is that guy? ._. Ehh. It makes me mad. But, what can I do. That's life. It is what it is. It's like she expects me to be there when something has gone wrong. No, stupid girl. If I'm going to be there I want to be your friend. Properly. Good and bad. Not just the stuff that has you upset. It doesn't work like that, man. Two-way deal here.
     Bryce talks so much now. About the funniest of things. And he wants everything, I guess he's just at that age. Take me to the concert. Buy me this, buy me that. Lol I wish I could buddy. I would buy you everything. He's like... living the childhood I never got to, if that makes sense. I want to make sure he has an amazing one. The kid is so happy and high-spirited. I love that about him. His laugh can just completely cheer me up because he has such an innocent laugh.
    I don't know why I've been hurting so bad the past few days. My shoulders, back, and knees. Ohmygod. They have been really painful. Usually worse towards the evening. But, still. It sucks so bad. ;-; I hate being in pain. I hate feeling like I'm 60 when I'm only fucking 17. What am I gonna do when I actually do get older? I'm have to stay drugged up on stuff just even tolerate it. Eh. I'm ranting but, yet I'm still in a pretty decent mood, I guess. I was in a bad mood when I woke up for some reason, not sure why. I reckon it's just lack of sleep or whatever.
    I have school tomorrow. I don't want to do it. I don't want to go. I have homework I need to do too. I always say, I'll do it during the weekend. No, I end up doing it at like midnight on a Sunday when I need to be sleeping. I'm such a horrible procrastinator. Back when I first started, I stayed on top of things. Managed my time well and everything. Lol not anymore. ._.
     Did I ever tell you I love you? Lol. I do. Bunches. :3
Anyway, I need to go finish cooking and go get dressed and shit before people get here. Later.

Long day feelings.

I'm tired. And stressed. They told me Cooper would be okay, but I don't know. Poor guy. If something happens to him. .-. I love that dog, a lot. But, I think he'll be okay. Kind of funny that the vets agreed with idea. Lol.
I had a dream about you last night. .-. It wasn't a good dream, really. It was like. I had a dream that you fell for one of the guys in your class, and left me. Which I would understand, I guess. You know. There wouldn't be the 1,000s of miles of distance and everything. But, yeah. I don't know. Lol guess it's my turn to feel a little insecure? I don't know. I'm fine. Neh. I shouldn't love you this much. Like. I'm scared of loving you this much. Is that bad? Don't get me wrong, I fucking love it like you wouldn't imagine. I just don't want to like, do something and watch us both fall. Or vice versa. I'm just scared. But, I'm not going anywhere if you're not. You just... mean way too much to me, I guess. I love you.
School... ugh. I have to big projects I need to do, but I don't want to. I don't care anymoreeee. Why can't fucking June just get here already. I want to get a stable job, I want to move out and get an apartment. Fuck, even if it's just a studio apartment, I don't care. I just need something you know? I don't want to live with anyone. But, at least I have the option of my grandmas friend, family friends, whatever you wanna call them. They're chill enough. Friendly. I know I wouldn't have to worry about getting beat up there! Haha. Too Christian of folks, I guess. Probably wouldn't even raise their voice with me. And I would enjoy helping them, would keep me busy. Keep me doing stuff. The only thing that might get a little annoying is just going out and getting groceries, but that's okay. I'll manage. I just hate shopping. Haha. But yeah, I don't want to live with anyone, though. You know? It's just gonna suck. Forreal.
Soccer, I heard that the coach I can't stand is coming back. I don't like him so much, that he makes me not even want to play this season, how bad is that? I /hate/ him. He is insane. He has a criminal background, but like fucking morons, the school doesn't do background checks, because they're retarded. I hate it. It's like if you would just look at this guys past, you would know that he is not at all suited to be out on the field. He also coaches basketball and he got thrown out of their game a week ago. Got thrown out of several of our games. And the foot ball coaches. They have no right talking to their kids the way they do. I mean, I understand being rough on them, because it's football. But, they are like abusive to these kids. Calling them all kinds of demeaning and degrading things. But, my school is just too fucking blind to do anything about it. It really does piss me off. You just don't even know. Sorry. Sports rant over.
I don't even know I just feel like writing. Even though I should probably put this writing into use by doing my English project. But. Neh.
I gotta go cook soon. Stupid Superbowl party. Gotta make sure I get most of it done tonight. My grandma was supposed to do it, but she isn't feeling well. So like the nice guy I am, I told her I'd do it so she could rest. Because that's what old grammys need, is rest when they don't feel well. I think I'm done for now. Yeah. Adios.

. . .

I don't even feel like writing right now. This is just a bottle up inside kind of thing. I don't know.

Exams.

Exams this week. Guess who is stressing? This guy. This guy right here. If I don't pass my tests, I'm not going to pass my classes for the sememster which means I might not graduate. Ugh. I'm worried. I know I should study.... I just don't want to. I don't care enough to... Teachers are asses. Don't grade fairly. One hates my gut for no damn reason. Fuck them all. I don't care. They can all go somewhere. Don't want to see peoples faces anymore. I'm tired of social interaction. The friend I really had at school, I don't even talk to anymore. I mean yeah it sucks, but. I did it myself... she was getting to needy of me... I can't help but distance myself from that. Just who I am. I've distanced myself from all my friends really... online and real life. I'm sure no one is happy at me about that. And I apologize. But, yeah. I need my space right now. I'm at a point where I just don't want to be bothered by anyone. I'm tired of being everyone's superhero. I need a break. I need to get my life straight before I worry about dealing with everyone else and trying to solve everyone else's problems.

Tired of it.

I'm worried.
I'm worried and I'm stressed about a lot of things. I don't know what to do... where to go right now. You're the only thing I have to look up to. Too bad you're on the other side of the world. Too bad you can't be in my arms right now. Where I know you'll be okay. You tell me that you don't need taking care. Sorry, I'd do it anyway. It's my natural instinct to protect people... help them, you're no different. If anything you're more important. You're my priority right now. I look up to you. Of course not height wise but I do. You've such a brilliant mind. You interest me so much. All the time. I hope that my never getting mad at you never bothers you like badly. I wish I could tell you why I don't. I just... I don't even know myself to explain it to you.
I want to help you. I know there's a lot bothering you. I can tell. You think too much. You're like me in that sense. Over-thinking ftw I reckon.
And school. I just don't even know anymore. I'm done. I'm tired. And I'm irritated. I want it to be over with. I can't handle much more of this. It's constant. People raging on me. No one ever has anything really positive to say to me outside of the internet. I'm not different offline, really. Same goofy me. Well... I guess that's not entirely true. I'm a lot more quiet and caved in. I don't let many people at all get to know me. I don't like being left. The two men that I know loved me... left me here to deal with this myself. I know it's selfish of me, to be mad at them for it. But, why? If there is a fucking God why the fuck did you have to take the people who meant the most to me. The people who really loved me. Never got upset with me, really. And if they did. They got over it. I hate this. I hate crying. I hate breaking down, but you're sleeping right now. If you didn't have school I'd try and wake you up, but I don't want to. You need your rest, I can't be selfish like that. I'll handle my own. My head is killing me. I don't feel well at all. Knock on wood but I think I'm getting sick. Ha. Course.
My soccer coach texted me when I was in school today. Told me that she needed to talk to me. But, she couldn't tell me through the phone. That I needed to stop by her house one day. Well, she lives about 5 minutes away. And I've early dismissal all week from school. I'll stop by there one day and see what's up. I hope she's okay. She is an amazing woman.
I think I'm done for now... I can't be bothered to type more. The rest I'll just keep to myself.

Really?

Okay. I don't mind lending money when I have it to people I care about. But, when my family who I don't much care for starts harassing me for money, well then we have a problem, and I'm not okay with that. And of course, it's like father like son. Grandpa and my dad won't leave me the hell alone. I'm not giving you my money. And my dad can really go fuck himself because I outright refuse to give someone money who has treated me like I'm nothing more than a dog for like the past 11 years of my life. I'm done
So stop asking me for money. Stop harassing me. Or I'm gonna do something about it myself. My tolerance has ended. And I honestly wish my dad would come and try something. Oh how I'd love to kick his ass. I'm bigger than him now. I can take him. No more being the little kid getting thrown around.
You want a fight jackasses? I'm all for it.

Voices being heard.

I feel kind of dumb being 17, and just now getting politically involved. I've always had my views on politics, I just chose to keep them significantly go myself. But, no with this internet censorship. It's my time to step and let my voice be heard. I know that everyone has their time when they are finally brought into being involved in something. Like Ben said, we're just a bit late starting than some other people.
Oh well though, what can you do. For me personally, this is my time. My time to be heard. I actually feel like doing something about this, and that NDAA? Scary... I'll definitely be keep my tabs on American government now. I'm almost 18. I vote this year. I need to figure out where I stand politically. I feel like I am a libertarian at this point. I have a love for my country. Even if my love does not extend to my Government. I feel we need to get rid of our government. Or modernize it at least.
Just something.
We have to do something. And something quick.


I want our country to be able to live freely. I want us all to have our proper liberties. We used to be a flourished country... you can just see, in our history how corrupted we've become in the past few generations. And it's only getting worse... not better. And for the people who aren't worrying. Well, we know that you don't keep tracks. Maybe all the people who actually are worrying are just crazy and everyone else is right. Who the fuck even knows anymore. Not I.
I feel like everything I've been told about my country and our government is a lie. I feel we can't be trusted. And I feel like sharing a quote that Ben told me from a song.  'What? The land of the free? Whoever told you that is your enemy!

Neeeh.

So. I've been kind of thinking, about stuff. And I feel bored. I want to do something.
I want to get away and explore. I am so stressed over school. I'm so socially messed up, I'm scared that if I go away to college it'll be more trouble for me than it's worth. But... if I stay here and go to community college, then I have to find somewhere to live.
Grandpa already told me that he doesn't want me living here because he'll have more room and he'll make me pay rent.
I need to get a steady job. One that doesn't just work me on holidays. But, where the heck am I gonna work, that I can juggle and play soccer? I'm playing soccer this year. This is my last year of legit team soccer.
God that's so upsetting... soccer is like my life. I don't wan't to give it up. But, if I keep playing all through college, where is that gonna put me? Crippled? I'd rather not, thanks. As much as I want to play, and keep going. I value my walking a bit more.
I'm getting behind in school. lol. Senioritis. I swear.
I want to be out so badly, that I just don't care. Is that bad? I'm not sure that should happen. I know I need like a punch in the face to get me back on track, I just can't. Neh.

Funny dreams.

I went to bed really late last night. Way later than I should have, but I needed to do my English project, which for the record. I didn't end up doing. Whoops. So I woke up this morning kinda confused about why I was home. Because, I was having a perfectly normal dream that I was at school. Doing school work and all the normal things. Woke up, looked around and was like what the heck... XD