Sail.

What to even write right now. I have so much on my mind, I'm not even sure where to start. I haven't heard anything more about you really. Just that you're really sick. I am probably an awful person for being glad about this. I call you dad for convenience, but you really aren't. You'll never be a father to me. A father is someone who loves and cares for his kids. Is a man, and takes responsibility for his actions. No... that's not you at all. I am a lot like you, in many way. I thank god I am not like you in that way. I vow to myself that when/if I am older and settle down. I will be the man that you never were. Treat my kids right, my wife right. Provide for them like I should. I will not be like you. I refuse. I have never hated something more in my life than I hate you. Why? Because you're a miserable, awful person. I am quantum's calmer than I was yesterday. Possibly why I am writing this now. Trying to be rational. And love, I'm sorry you had to see that side of me. I wish I could say I let it go. But... I didn't. I don't know. So, I just suppressed it. Until the next we meet, I guess. I have not felt like that in a long time. Not that angry. 17 years pretty much of emotions surfacing. I'm happy I can't remember a lot of shit that you did to me. Since my concussions. Who would've thought that getting brain damage and memory loss could be a blessing. I know there's portions of my memories missing. Just large chunks. But, when it comes to the things you put me through... I think they're better left gone. I asked the frog doctor about it. But, he said they may or may not come back. They may come back all at once, progressively, or maybe not at all. I pray not all at once, if they do. I'd rather them just stay gone. Gives me room for new memories. Lol. Even though the capacity for your long term memory is seemingly infinite. Oh well. Lemme believe what I chose, for now anyway. I'm so glad I didn't go to the hospital last night. I may have ended up in jail. Specially with the stuff I was feeling last night. Gah. And then last night. I was sitting there... knew that I needed to sleep. I just wasn't tired, at all. It was so frustrating. Least I got a couple hours anyway. Even if I feel like a dead person today. I think I'll take a nap after this. Fuck it if anyone gets mad. They'll get over it. I'm in desperate need for some rest. I have so much I need to do today though. I have three projects. Err, well technically two. Since I finished my English one now. You can do it, Paxton. Just stay on top of things this semester. Maybe you can even get your rank back? Self talk. Who knows. Maybe it'll do me some good. I'm glad I have you keep sane, baby. I don't even know what I would do without you anymore. You're my lifeline, as much as I probably shouldn't say it. Having you see that side of me last night, honestly made me want to leave... I didn't want anyone to know how much anger I really have inside me... and I didn't even snap. It was all just boiling right below the surface... I'm scared of myself. Honestly. I'm scared of what is going to happen to me I finally do collapse in on myself. It's bound to happen. I don't want you to be around for that. I don't want to hurt you. And I'm scared I might, Or hurt myself. Or someone else. Or I don't know. I've never had it happen. It's just been close to happening. But, I try and keep the reins on myself pretty tight. Pray they stay strong. They're weathered and worn, but I can hold on yet. It has to get better eventually.... right? I hope... I'm 17 and have been through so much. I feel as though I am pretty much a man. I pretty much support myself. I just don't own the roof over my head. But, I can't think of myself like that. Knowing the feelings I harbor, inside I know I can't be a true man, feeling the way I do. That's what scares me I'm going to be like you. You don't let anything go either. I think that's why you are so fucked up. And you're so fucked up that you're fucking me. I was told you can already tell it's fucking me up. My mind is getting fucked from this shit. And you'll never stop. It's like your life mission to take me down with you. Why. I just. I don't even understand why you would want to do something like that. Or what if I get like that? And something snaps in me and I turn out just... like.. you.. oh my god. It about gives me a panic attack just thinking about it. I'ma end up having a fucking heart attack with you.. lol. So much going on.... I just can't even deal with it anymore... Just can't.