This world.

     How do you live in a world you feel is constantly out to get you? That's a rhetorical question, don't answer that. I hate this shit. I hate feeling like everything purposely has to go wrong for me. No matter what. I am very tired right now, which makes me very angry. I am in a very angry mood right now. This is what sleep + stress does to me. I already don't know how to handle my stress, but combined with lack of sleep? I'm a nightmare. But, I will hold my temper against you. I am trying not to take it out on you, you don't deserve that. You've done nothing wrong.
     I feel like my past has made me a bad person. I know, I'm not really. But, I feel like it sometimes. I'm not social, I hate being told what to do, I'm terrible with my emotions, and I'm easily angered. I just know how to control that for the most part. I don't know. I'll never forgive you for what you've done to me. I will always hate you, I'm sorry. No amount of apologies could ever make up for what you've taken from me. You took away my childhood, you took away the very aspect of my adolescent years. Forced me to grow up and become the messed up person I am right now. And you, you don't think I'm as messed up as I think I am. But, I do think I am. They're more cognitive problems than anything, I guess.
     Stress relievers. I need them desperately. I don't have time for them though, I mean this helps writing it all out, but not really as much as I need it to. I don't have time for much really. Not really. That and I just don't have the drive for it. I'm so used to wallowing in my own stress and pain that I don't have the drive to get rid of it. I feel like if I'm not stressed, I won't have much purpose, really. I'd feel empty? I mean, I'm sure I'd feel better in the long run, but not for the time being. Stress is what pushes me through things. But, it's also what pushes me to break downs. What pushes me to do things I try so hard to stay away from. I keep having dreams of this woman who told me I was going to Hell when I was younger. Telling me how bad of a person I am and stuff. I don't know, I don't know how to handle it. That woman was scary. Her eyes more than anything. The way she looked at me then, and the way she looks at me in my dreams. It's haunting. I don't believe in Hell or Heaven really. But, if there is one, and I am wrong, then she makes a pretty convincing case that, that is where I am going to end up.
     And my mom, she's injured again. She is feeling a bit better now. But, I don't have the money to keep supporting her like this. I mean, I don't work that much, I get paid pretty well for the one day a week I do work, but not enough for her medicine. And her unemployment ran out, so that money will be stopping soon. Which means she will be literally broke. Minus getting food stamps. They make getting disability virtually impossible in the United States. There is much controversy about whether to just get rid of the system completely or not. 99% of the time you will get denied for disability and you have to get a lawyer in order to get it. But, personally I don't think you should get rid of it. I mean, yes there are people who abuse the system, but there are also people who genuinely need that money. Genuinely need that support. Just weed through the people who don't. It's not that hard, really. But, America is lazy. And doesn't really care for the people much as whole. Just about lining their own pockets. This country isn't as great as everyone makes it out to be. I mean, every country has it's problems, but this one is just going down the drain.
     When I get angry, I get into this... red zone. And I have to very cautious not to stay in there. Because... I lose contact of reality when I get that angry. It's like an out of body experience really. The anger just consumes me and I can't control myself anymore. Scary, right? But, I've learned to put a pretty tight bind on it. But, lately it keeps trying to boil it's way to the top of my control and break free. And that's not good. I have to find some way of coping with my life. Coping with my emotions and my stress. Or I'm going to be afraid for the person who sets me off. But, I don't think it'd come to that, really. It'd take a lot, even now. You'd have to do something pretty messed up for me to go that far.
     Writing this has made me feel a bit better, I am just vent typing right now. Writing whatever comes to mind that is irritating me right now. But, whatever.
     I have three more weeks of school. /3/ more weeks of High School. I know pretty much what I'm doing now. But, I'm still scared I'm just going to wind up being a failure. Live up to my dads standards he's set for me, being a a nobody. He has dragged me down my entire life. Fucked me up in ways that probably I will never heal from. But, I am trying so hard to keep my head. Trying so hard to make myself someone. Hopefully for once, things will go in my favor. We'll see though. I guess you never know.
     I don't want to go to sleep, I don't want to see that woman in my dreams anymore. She seriously bothers me. I don't know why. She says things I don't believe in. And I know they're dreams. But, it's like she just knows what bothers me. Knows what gets to me. It's a dream, Paxton. I know. I know it's a dream. I know it's just my subconscious messing with me. But... I don't know. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.

I think I'm done for now... I feel better.

I can't...

I can't do this shit anymore... I pushed myself to blacking out I had a panic attack so bad. I feel terrible. Everything is just on me right now and I'm pushed over the edge... I feel depressed as well. I'm sorry if I'm irritating you with it... I'm trying to shove it all back, even though I know I shouldn't... I just need to get all this shit to go away. I feel so like... hopeless right now.
I just feel like I'm falling apart, completely. Just breaking into little pieces, falling into rock bottom. I just want it to stop... my grandpa was calling me all kinds of names earlier... it's like he knows I've tipped into depression and now I'm free game. I don't know.
I feel like just freaking out and thrashing things and letting my anger out... crying... punching.. I don't care. Just need to get it out my system. I'm sorry for scaring you earlier... also seemed like I was annoying a bit earlier as well. I don't know. My mind was a million different places... I'm sorry. /:

Overloaded.

I can't deal with my life right now. I have too much going on and too little time to do it. I thought senior year was supposed to calm and care-free. If that's true then why am I on the verge on a mental fucking breakdown. I'm just losing my grips with school. With my life. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm doing. I just feel like I'm just crushed right now. Under the weight of school and everyday life. 

I don't know where this freaking packet for Chemistry is. I have to pass that class. I have to. I won't graduate if I don't. And the damn thing is worth two tests grades. I can't afford two 0's for test grades! I'll get an F and fail and have to repeat my senior year for sure. I don't lose things like this. I don't lose school things. What the fuck is going on with me? I have worked so hard... all throughout high school. I managed to stay number one in my class for awhile. And now I'm on the verge of failing my senior year. I can't handle this much stress right now. I am literally about to snap. I can handle stress fine, but not on this level. 

I have my SOLs coming up. And I have finals. And god damn all kinds of projects and essays due. Where do they expect us to have the time for all of this? It's 4 am and I'm having a mini panic attack over this stuff. I need to get out of here. It's the point where you're so stressed out you're on the verge of doing something stupid and rash. (Which I won't do.) It just is literally getting to that point right now. I feel sad, I feel kind of empty, minus the overwhelming amount of anxiety I have right now. 

I really just need all this shit to just stop and go away for awhile. I'm only one person, I can only handle so much at one time.

I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way.

What am I doing with my life. I don't even know. I have like... 3 weeks left of my high school career and I don't know what to do with my life yet. Everything is going to crash on me when I graduate. My mom was being so mean to me today. I have told her, I need to work at least a year, so the financial burdens of college aren't too great for me. I can't afford college and supporting her and I right now. I am working two little shit jobs. I don't get any hours. I make enough money to get by. But, not to go to school.

I just want to go on this vacation. I just want to spend my time at the beach and fishing and say fuck it to everything else. I just want to be able to escape for a bit. Not have to deal with an overwhelmingly amount of fucking bullshit that everyone is throwing at me. My grandparents have been on me about not amounting to anything, my dad has called me worthless since I was young. And now my mom too? Wow, thank you SO fucking much for having faith in what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing. I know what I need to do be able to financially support myself in life. Even if I end up working my ass off my entire life until I can't move anymore. This is my life. These are my choices. You could at least have the fucking decency of supporting me along the way. But, no you don't. You're just going back to doing what get's to me the most. Saying that I'm going to end up a failure. Yeah, like you. I know you're "worried" But god damnit. That shit isn't going to help!

I don't know. I'm tired of not getting any kind of support. I'm tired of having to do everything on my own. I know I'm responsible, I know I can handle myself... but, damn. I can't do everything on my own with what little stability I have right now. And, I know I have you, and I know you aren't going anywhere. And don't think you don't help me, you do a lot. More than you'll ever know, really. But, I mean like a physical presence kind of help. Or support. That I thought my mom would give me, but no. Seems not. I'm just done. I'm borderline depressed right now, I can feel it. I keep tipping back and forth in and out of it. Too much more and I'm gonna tip right into one. I've too much going on right now. I just need to get away from it all. I've been feeling really sad lately... it's killing me. I hate feeling like this. But, I feel better when I talk to you. I don't feel as smothered, as soon as you leave though. It creeps back up to me. And starts smothering me again. This black cloud that just hangs over my head, always...