Rambles.

Today was kind of miserable. Well, actually. It was quite miserable. Kind of would be an understatement. I woke up feeling like shit. My throat was hurting. I've had horrible sniffles all day. Talking to you this morning was  the only plus side of my day. Ha.

I quit soccer today. I think that may have been one of the hardest things I've ever done. Call me a baby, call me pathetic, call me what you will. I cried. I cried like a little kid. I have played soccer for fourteen years of my seventeen years of existence. Do you know how hard it is to let something go that has been such a /huge/ part of your life for the majority of your life? I bet you don't... Gah. I love soccer. No one really gets it. You, well you're the closest one to understanding it. Am I surprised at that? Not at all. How you understand me the way you do, well I'll never know. Makes no sense to me. But, anyway. Soccer is the biggest part of my life, minus you. Soccer has been my outlet. I have so much going on right now, so many times I had huge amounts of frustration and rage built up that I couldn't let out anywhere but the soccer field. My chance to get out the house. My chance of freedom. To be with people I cared about. To do something I care about, really love. And I would be right back out there today if it weren't for last year, I think. Last year like to do me in. Fourteen years of playing and I never had an extremely major injury. Last season I end my season with four concussions, a partially torn ACL and a dislocated nose, and a possible death notice. They didn't know if I would make it through the summer with the way I was. They said things could take a dive for the worse. It is almost March and all this happened last May. Almost a year, and I am still feeling the effects of those concussions. Problems I'll have to live with for the rest of my life probably. I still can't remember a lot from before. Definitely not from right around the concussions, but it stretches back far enough that I don't remember actual chunks of my life before. Maybe for the better? Maybe not? I don't know. When I told my coach, even though I can't stand him, as soon as he asked am I okay? Whoop. Bye, bye Paxton composure, hello tears. I hate crying. But damnit, that needed tears. That was like letting a huge chunk of my life go right there. Whoosh, right out the window. I pray that it was for the best, but we'll see I guess. It's not like I'll never see them again though, guess that's a plus. Look at me looking on the brighter side of things. But yeah, I'm done for now I guess. .-.