Change?

I feel like I'm changing again. I'm not sure if it's for better or for worse, or if I'm just growing up more. Taking on that different life path. I want to change my outlook on life. Change who I am in a sense. Not drastically. Just... cognitively. My view on life has changed to a more real life outlook already. Knowing that I am no better than an animal. I'm no better than any other man. I am who I am and they are who they are. Labels are just that... labels. They're pointless things to tell who is better than who when in reality it doesn't matter. I've grown up way earlier than I should have. I'm 17. And I have the outlook of an old man. Someone who has had years and years more experience than a normal man of my age. But, alas that's not the case with me. In my 17 years of life I've been through more emotionally, mentally, and physically than some men who are in they're elder years. Not that this makes me any more competent than any given man. I just think humanity is a whole is close-minded and stupid now. No one really sees life for what it is. Take granted of it. I wish, I could more or less live the life a monk. Be one with nature, be one with the real beauty of the world and not have time and dates and everything rule my life completely. I'm scared to grow up. I don't want to be brain-washed like the rest of society. I don't want to have to live the life of a robot. Doing the same thing day-to-day and doing exactly what's always expected of me. I want to be different. But, not the crazy rebellious different. Just different. But then again, everyone is different. I don't know. What is going through my head right now is just kind of hard to explain. I am thoroughly glad that high school is over though. Leaving the petty drama that flows through those closed in walls. Seeing the same faces daily. Over... and over. Growing up with the same people is miserable. Once you're labeled, that's it. You cannot change that. Because that is just how they know you. You can't change who you are because they know, or they think they know because we've all watched each other grow up right? The ignorance of high school is profound. I'm just glad to be rid of it. I'm also glad to be rid of the social burdens it puts on me. Having to talk to people I have no desire to talk to what so ever. Seeing the cruelty of teenagers, the cruelty of humans even. No one really gets how much words effect people, even if they refuse to admit. Words hurt. A lot. Words hurt worse than any physical blow you can inflict on someone I think. That's how it is for me anyway. Like with my father, I can heal from bruises. Can't heal from words. It stays with you. Makes you hold grudges. Make you angry. But, I am trying my hardest not to let my hate consume me. I try to keep myself as under control as possible. I hate being angry. It's too much work. Too much effort to hold a grudge for almost 11 years. I feel like I'm going all over the place with this, I don't even care. It is what it is, right? I really hope I end up amounting to something in my life though, honestly. I hope that being an EMT/ fire fighter doesn't end up like burning me out or something. I don't know. It is what I want to do though. I want to save lives. I want to help people because again, I'm no better than anyone. Everyone deserves a chance to be saved right? I'd like to be the man who does that. The man who can send another injured man home to his family, or home to his life in general. I hate seeing people in pain or upset. It bothers me. It's insane how much I have changed since a year or so back. How I've morphed more and more into the man I want to be. I'll get there. I still have more things to accomplish. I got off track of what I wanted to for awhile. Lost my way on getting where I want to be. But, I pulled through. Overcame the burdens I faced and here I am today, changed and well on my way to being a good man. A man of virtues a man of morals... and a man of forgiveness. I want so hard to not hate you. To just accept you as the man you are, even though it is a fucked up man, I want to just forgive you and let go of all the pain you've caused me, my entire life. I am getting closer and closer to being ready to let it all go. That will be my hardest challenge I think. Letting go of that. Something that has held me down my entire life. Messed me up. But... also changed me for the better I guess. You doing that stuff to me, helped me realize I can be better. I can do better. I will do better. I don't know what happened to you. What made you finally snap. I know you never really cared for me. And I think you are just messed up in the head. Your hatred for me might not even be your fault. You might just be that messed up. Who am I to say? I don't know. I can't say for sure. I just have to find it in me to let it go. Forgive it even though I do not want to right now. Not completely. I still have a bit more hating you to do. So, for now I'll leave this be and be done with it.