This world.

     How do you live in a world you feel is constantly out to get you? That's a rhetorical question, don't answer that. I hate this shit. I hate feeling like everything purposely has to go wrong for me. No matter what. I am very tired right now, which makes me very angry. I am in a very angry mood right now. This is what sleep + stress does to me. I already don't know how to handle my stress, but combined with lack of sleep? I'm a nightmare. But, I will hold my temper against you. I am trying not to take it out on you, you don't deserve that. You've done nothing wrong.
     I feel like my past has made me a bad person. I know, I'm not really. But, I feel like it sometimes. I'm not social, I hate being told what to do, I'm terrible with my emotions, and I'm easily angered. I just know how to control that for the most part. I don't know. I'll never forgive you for what you've done to me. I will always hate you, I'm sorry. No amount of apologies could ever make up for what you've taken from me. You took away my childhood, you took away the very aspect of my adolescent years. Forced me to grow up and become the messed up person I am right now. And you, you don't think I'm as messed up as I think I am. But, I do think I am. They're more cognitive problems than anything, I guess.
     Stress relievers. I need them desperately. I don't have time for them though, I mean this helps writing it all out, but not really as much as I need it to. I don't have time for much really. Not really. That and I just don't have the drive for it. I'm so used to wallowing in my own stress and pain that I don't have the drive to get rid of it. I feel like if I'm not stressed, I won't have much purpose, really. I'd feel empty? I mean, I'm sure I'd feel better in the long run, but not for the time being. Stress is what pushes me through things. But, it's also what pushes me to break downs. What pushes me to do things I try so hard to stay away from. I keep having dreams of this woman who told me I was going to Hell when I was younger. Telling me how bad of a person I am and stuff. I don't know, I don't know how to handle it. That woman was scary. Her eyes more than anything. The way she looked at me then, and the way she looks at me in my dreams. It's haunting. I don't believe in Hell or Heaven really. But, if there is one, and I am wrong, then she makes a pretty convincing case that, that is where I am going to end up.
     And my mom, she's injured again. She is feeling a bit better now. But, I don't have the money to keep supporting her like this. I mean, I don't work that much, I get paid pretty well for the one day a week I do work, but not enough for her medicine. And her unemployment ran out, so that money will be stopping soon. Which means she will be literally broke. Minus getting food stamps. They make getting disability virtually impossible in the United States. There is much controversy about whether to just get rid of the system completely or not. 99% of the time you will get denied for disability and you have to get a lawyer in order to get it. But, personally I don't think you should get rid of it. I mean, yes there are people who abuse the system, but there are also people who genuinely need that money. Genuinely need that support. Just weed through the people who don't. It's not that hard, really. But, America is lazy. And doesn't really care for the people much as whole. Just about lining their own pockets. This country isn't as great as everyone makes it out to be. I mean, every country has it's problems, but this one is just going down the drain.
     When I get angry, I get into this... red zone. And I have to very cautious not to stay in there. Because... I lose contact of reality when I get that angry. It's like an out of body experience really. The anger just consumes me and I can't control myself anymore. Scary, right? But, I've learned to put a pretty tight bind on it. But, lately it keeps trying to boil it's way to the top of my control and break free. And that's not good. I have to find some way of coping with my life. Coping with my emotions and my stress. Or I'm going to be afraid for the person who sets me off. But, I don't think it'd come to that, really. It'd take a lot, even now. You'd have to do something pretty messed up for me to go that far.
     Writing this has made me feel a bit better, I am just vent typing right now. Writing whatever comes to mind that is irritating me right now. But, whatever.
     I have three more weeks of school. /3/ more weeks of High School. I know pretty much what I'm doing now. But, I'm still scared I'm just going to wind up being a failure. Live up to my dads standards he's set for me, being a a nobody. He has dragged me down my entire life. Fucked me up in ways that probably I will never heal from. But, I am trying so hard to keep my head. Trying so hard to make myself someone. Hopefully for once, things will go in my favor. We'll see though. I guess you never know.
     I don't want to go to sleep, I don't want to see that woman in my dreams anymore. She seriously bothers me. I don't know why. She says things I don't believe in. And I know they're dreams. But, it's like she just knows what bothers me. Knows what gets to me. It's a dream, Paxton. I know. I know it's a dream. I know it's just my subconscious messing with me. But... I don't know. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.

I think I'm done for now... I feel better.