Weeble.

I finally slept last night. I didn't sleep till 5 am. But, I at least slept more than two hours. I was beyond exhausted. My body literally just completely shut down on me. In the past four days, before last night, I slept maybe 6 hours. If I was lucky. And it'll probably start like that again. I'm just having horrid insomnia. And even though last night wasn't the most restful sleep my nightmares weren't as bad. I didn't wake up screaming, just woke up long enough to calm myself down. I'm tired... of everything. 

I read your blog everyday... just making sure that you're okay. I don't know how I feel anymore. About the situation, I mean. I love you, very much. I know that. I was a train wreck the past few days... I feel a bit better now that I've had some sleep but I don't know how long it'll last. I miss you. A lot. Like you're actively part of my thoughts... all the time. In my dreams, in my nightmares, in my daily thoughts. I think you're doing fine though without me. Which is good I guess. 

I've been doing a whole lot of nothing... it's been all I can do just to get out of bed because I've just been nothing but completely exhausted. I was getting to the point of having trouble functioning. Nyeh. I don't know. I feel stressed. And tired. Tomorrow I have the EMT ride along with Southside Emergency crew. 12 hours of calls. In a big city. I pray that I sleep a decent amount tonight. And thank fucking goodness I slept some last night. I would've had to cancel otherwise. Would've been too dangerous for me to try and do that on so very little sleep. 

Sigh, I reckon I'm done with this. I won't say I'm okay, I'm not. But, I'm not terrible either. I'm just kind of here right now. I feel a little bit better now that I've had some sleep but yeah. Sighsighsigh. 

I'm tired of this crap.

Really, I am. I'm tired of fighting with you, not being able to get through a week without some kind of confrontation with you. Why the fuck are you being so stubborn about everything? I don't understand it. You're complaining about things then when you know what I'm going to say, you just turn me down or laugh it off. I'm not kidding anymore, I'm being entirely serious now. You need to go to the doctor, you need to get checked out. And so what if you don't complain about throwing up everyday? The fact that it's happening frequently, and yes frequently can me a couple weeks apart is reason enough to go. And then to boot you're legs have been killing you tell me them hurting, but of course the second they stop hurting, even for a single minute you've got to lay it in my face and then deny going to the doctor again. It's nothing but excuses from you here lately... All I'm trying to do is look out for you, care for you even though I'm halfway around the world. But, you're not letting me and it's getting old, frankly. I'm worried sick about you. Neither of us said I love you when we fought earlier. Normally even if we do fight, we do. But, not tonight. And that upsets me far worse than it probably should.

And then you're whole defiance act against your parents. What on Earth is that going to solve? Yes, you said your mother doesn't trust you to make your own mistakes and life choices. But, you said yourself you're just going to be petty and try and undermine her and not listen. Great, so you're going to take away your already limited time with me because you can't just suck it up and listen to what they lay out for you. I understand your want for independence but, Sukanya it is not all that it's cracked out to me. I mean, sure you don't have someone telling you what to do, but you've so much more responsibility... and it's not fun. You've enough on your plate with most things being handed to you, food, shelter, water, schooling. Imagine if you had to fend for yourself right now and you could be completely rid of your parents. Completely and you wouldn't have to deal with their control ever again? How would you manage? Yeah, they're strict, yeah it sucks. But you're not capable of fending for yourself yet, it's really as simple as that. And if you get mad at me for saying this, fine so be it. But, it's the truth. I know you better than anyone else and I can say that honestly.

I was thinking earlier when I was just laying in bed... we used to have such good times, we were absolutely brilliant together, completely inseparable. When I saw you online I would drop everything to go talk to you, and for the most part I still do. But, now it's like we don't look at each other the same, really. Like, I feel like I've done something to push you away. I feel so distant from you now. I don't know why, and I don't know what it is. Our roles have completely reversed. You used to be the robot one and now it seems more and more like I am, and I'm not used to it. Because I guess I brought your walls down so much, I've made a mess out of you. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe it's a combination of things, I mean don't know. But... I'm scared that with you saying you're going to change and you need to toughen up you're going to push me out again. Because, the only way I can really stay as close as we are is if we are completely open with each other. This won't work being as far apart as we are otherwise. I don't want to lose you. Simple as that. But, I won't sit here and bicker with you more and more and watch our relationship crash and burn. This is just turning more and more into a normal teenage, petty  relationship. And that scares me. I mean, it really does. I don't want to lose you over something petty like that you know. Over us fighting because one of us just feels the need to snap and take it out on the other. And it still bothers me about what you said, about me always being defensive, I mean it really does to be honest. I still don't really know what you expect of me anymore, honestly I don't. You said you want me to be open and talk with you and when I voice my opinion I'm being defensive. It's like now that you've gotten what you tried so hard to get out of me, the ability to be angry with you, you want me to change again and just take the shit you deal me. That's what it honestly feels like. And I"m sure that's not your intentions but think about it. You tried for so long to get me to stick up for myself, questioned me a lot about it. And now that I am sticking up for myself and voicing my opinions I'm being defensive about it. I just don't get it.

I don't know where we're headed, Sukanya. But, seriously... at the moment it's not looking so good and we have to find a way to change that. I mean, you really don't see that I still hold you up as priority in my life. You're still the most important thing to me, and it's like you don't see that anymore? I don't know how to say what I'm thinking here... I am so very much in love with you, and when you say it's like I don't really wanna deal with you anymore, that talk hurts. Because words always hurt worse. I've done nothing but be there for you, nothing but care for you. And sometimes it feels like even that's not enough anymore... I don't know I just needed to lay all this out, I don't know when or if you'll read this. But, I'm sorry if you really feel like I haven't been caring as much. And no I'm not just saying that. I am genuinely sorry for all the times I've made you feel like that. It was never my intention. You should know where you stand with me, if you don't then I guess there's nothing I can do to change that. I just don't know anymore. I really don't.