Rambles.

Today was kind of miserable. Well, actually. It was quite miserable. Kind of would be an understatement. I woke up feeling like shit. My throat was hurting. I've had horrible sniffles all day. Talking to you this morning was  the only plus side of my day. Ha.

I quit soccer today. I think that may have been one of the hardest things I've ever done. Call me a baby, call me pathetic, call me what you will. I cried. I cried like a little kid. I have played soccer for fourteen years of my seventeen years of existence. Do you know how hard it is to let something go that has been such a /huge/ part of your life for the majority of your life? I bet you don't... Gah. I love soccer. No one really gets it. You, well you're the closest one to understanding it. Am I surprised at that? Not at all. How you understand me the way you do, well I'll never know. Makes no sense to me. But, anyway. Soccer is the biggest part of my life, minus you. Soccer has been my outlet. I have so much going on right now, so many times I had huge amounts of frustration and rage built up that I couldn't let out anywhere but the soccer field. My chance to get out the house. My chance of freedom. To be with people I cared about. To do something I care about, really love. And I would be right back out there today if it weren't for last year, I think. Last year like to do me in. Fourteen years of playing and I never had an extremely major injury. Last season I end my season with four concussions, a partially torn ACL and a dislocated nose, and a possible death notice. They didn't know if I would make it through the summer with the way I was. They said things could take a dive for the worse. It is almost March and all this happened last May. Almost a year, and I am still feeling the effects of those concussions. Problems I'll have to live with for the rest of my life probably. I still can't remember a lot from before. Definitely not from right around the concussions, but it stretches back far enough that I don't remember actual chunks of my life before. Maybe for the better? Maybe not? I don't know. When I told my coach, even though I can't stand him, as soon as he asked am I okay? Whoop. Bye, bye Paxton composure, hello tears. I hate crying. But damnit, that needed tears. That was like letting a huge chunk of my life go right there. Whoosh, right out the window. I pray that it was for the best, but we'll see I guess. It's not like I'll never see them again though, guess that's a plus. Look at me looking on the brighter side of things. But yeah, I'm done for now I guess. .-.

Sigh.

I'm not going anywhere. Why do I have to keep telling you this? I love you. A lot. I think it'd have to get too much for you for us to break apart. And you think your world would crash. Mine would too. I don't know what to do without you. You're my life. Shut up. Do no tell me you aren't. Because, you are. I am more dependent on you, than I think you are of me. Sadly enough. I'm backwards, I feel like I crack more than you. Fuck this makes me feel pathetic. And I'm the same way, I don't know why I am writing this where you can see it but, fuck. Distance does suck, but if we keep thinking about us not working out, it sure as hell won't. It really strikes a nerve when you talk about leaving or us not working out. I really can't handle it. Again, I'm pathetic. I love you, simple and as complicated as that. I'm not used to this. Being completely in love with someone. Having a relationship that I genuinely and care about with my entire being. Fuck I won't let it go... I'll have trouble getting over you if things do get hard and you leave. Not that I'm saying I am holding you back or anything, if you want to leave me. I can't stop you... not my right. But, of course you know where I stand. I don't know. Rant rant rant. Fuck. I am really upset right now, and I'm not entirely sure why. You're asleep. I sent you like three texts, but you didn't wake up. Lol. Oh well. .-. Guess this is what this blog is for yes? Those times I need to get things out and you can't be there for me. I need to understand that. This is your busiest year yet. I can't be the thing that holds you back. You're just gonna have to tell me to fuck off sometimes, I'm clingy, I am. But, school comes first. If you are busy, I will suck it up for a few days if you need me to. I am willing to do what I have to keep us together, unless of course you decide against it, I guess. I don't know.I am not saying you are heartless or anything. I just don't think I have it in me to leave you, even if I wanted to. I really just care way too much about you. It scares me so bad to hurt you. If I did, it would damn near kill me inside. Now I'm making myself sound weak-minded. Fuck I don't know. I do not want to break up though. No no no. I love you. Did I say that enough to you? I'm sure I tell you enough... I really do. Yeah. I'm done ranting around you. I don't know if that is going to upset you, I hope not. I really do love you, baby. I think I will always need you. Like right now. But, we both need to realize, you won't always be there. I'll have to manage on my own sometimes. Just like I hope you always need me to degree. I feel like you help me more than I help you sometimes. Which is fine. I mean, I'd rather you not be dependent of me. I don't want to end up hurting you. Which I pray I never do. But, yeah... maybe it's best you don't need me all that badly. I know I'm a huge part of your life, but yeah. I don't know. I have more I need to rant about, but maybe in a different one. This one will be for you, I guess.

On a different note by the way, I'm sorry you are getting jealous. I'm sorry I can't keep you happy all the time. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.  Seems to be what I do best, is apologize. Fuck I don't know.

Sail.

What to even write right now. I have so much on my mind, I'm not even sure where to start. I haven't heard anything more about you really. Just that you're really sick. I am probably an awful person for being glad about this. I call you dad for convenience, but you really aren't. You'll never be a father to me. A father is someone who loves and cares for his kids. Is a man, and takes responsibility for his actions. No... that's not you at all. I am a lot like you, in many way. I thank god I am not like you in that way. I vow to myself that when/if I am older and settle down. I will be the man that you never were. Treat my kids right, my wife right. Provide for them like I should. I will not be like you. I refuse. I have never hated something more in my life than I hate you. Why? Because you're a miserable, awful person. I am quantum's calmer than I was yesterday. Possibly why I am writing this now. Trying to be rational. And love, I'm sorry you had to see that side of me. I wish I could say I let it go. But... I didn't. I don't know. So, I just suppressed it. Until the next we meet, I guess. I have not felt like that in a long time. Not that angry. 17 years pretty much of emotions surfacing. I'm happy I can't remember a lot of shit that you did to me. Since my concussions. Who would've thought that getting brain damage and memory loss could be a blessing. I know there's portions of my memories missing. Just large chunks. But, when it comes to the things you put me through... I think they're better left gone. I asked the frog doctor about it. But, he said they may or may not come back. They may come back all at once, progressively, or maybe not at all. I pray not all at once, if they do. I'd rather them just stay gone. Gives me room for new memories. Lol. Even though the capacity for your long term memory is seemingly infinite. Oh well. Lemme believe what I chose, for now anyway. I'm so glad I didn't go to the hospital last night. I may have ended up in jail. Specially with the stuff I was feeling last night. Gah. And then last night. I was sitting there... knew that I needed to sleep. I just wasn't tired, at all. It was so frustrating. Least I got a couple hours anyway. Even if I feel like a dead person today. I think I'll take a nap after this. Fuck it if anyone gets mad. They'll get over it. I'm in desperate need for some rest. I have so much I need to do today though. I have three projects. Err, well technically two. Since I finished my English one now. You can do it, Paxton. Just stay on top of things this semester. Maybe you can even get your rank back? Self talk. Who knows. Maybe it'll do me some good. I'm glad I have you keep sane, baby. I don't even know what I would do without you anymore. You're my lifeline, as much as I probably shouldn't say it. Having you see that side of me last night, honestly made me want to leave... I didn't want anyone to know how much anger I really have inside me... and I didn't even snap. It was all just boiling right below the surface... I'm scared of myself. Honestly. I'm scared of what is going to happen to me I finally do collapse in on myself. It's bound to happen. I don't want you to be around for that. I don't want to hurt you. And I'm scared I might, Or hurt myself. Or someone else. Or I don't know. I've never had it happen. It's just been close to happening. But, I try and keep the reins on myself pretty tight. Pray they stay strong. They're weathered and worn, but I can hold on yet. It has to get better eventually.... right? I hope... I'm 17 and have been through so much. I feel as though I am pretty much a man. I pretty much support myself. I just don't own the roof over my head. But, I can't think of myself like that. Knowing the feelings I harbor, inside I know I can't be a true man, feeling the way I do. That's what scares me I'm going to be like you. You don't let anything go either. I think that's why you are so fucked up. And you're so fucked up that you're fucking me. I was told you can already tell it's fucking me up. My mind is getting fucked from this shit. And you'll never stop. It's like your life mission to take me down with you. Why. I just. I don't even understand why you would want to do something like that. Or what if I get like that? And something snaps in me and I turn out just... like.. you.. oh my god. It about gives me a panic attack just thinking about it. I'ma end up having a fucking heart attack with you.. lol. So much going on.... I just can't even deal with it anymore... Just can't.

Have Faith In Me

     I'm gonna start labeling these as the name of the song playing when I start. Lol. Seems kind of a fun thing to do. Never know what you'll get. It's Super Bowl Sunday. Biggest sports day in America. Yeah, I don't really care. I do want the Giants to win though. It'd be nice to see them beat the Patriots. I may not involve myself much with Football but omg I hate the Patriots and the Cowboys. e.e I'm all for the Redskins.
     I feel weird that I never talk about my friends on these things, lol. I don't have friends to talk about. I don't hang out with people, obviously. My only real friend has pretty much ditched me for this guy, Tre and her boyfriend. Lol Pax? Who is that guy? ._. Ehh. It makes me mad. But, what can I do. That's life. It is what it is. It's like she expects me to be there when something has gone wrong. No, stupid girl. If I'm going to be there I want to be your friend. Properly. Good and bad. Not just the stuff that has you upset. It doesn't work like that, man. Two-way deal here.
     Bryce talks so much now. About the funniest of things. And he wants everything, I guess he's just at that age. Take me to the concert. Buy me this, buy me that. Lol I wish I could buddy. I would buy you everything. He's like... living the childhood I never got to, if that makes sense. I want to make sure he has an amazing one. The kid is so happy and high-spirited. I love that about him. His laugh can just completely cheer me up because he has such an innocent laugh.
    I don't know why I've been hurting so bad the past few days. My shoulders, back, and knees. Ohmygod. They have been really painful. Usually worse towards the evening. But, still. It sucks so bad. ;-; I hate being in pain. I hate feeling like I'm 60 when I'm only fucking 17. What am I gonna do when I actually do get older? I'm have to stay drugged up on stuff just even tolerate it. Eh. I'm ranting but, yet I'm still in a pretty decent mood, I guess. I was in a bad mood when I woke up for some reason, not sure why. I reckon it's just lack of sleep or whatever.
    I have school tomorrow. I don't want to do it. I don't want to go. I have homework I need to do too. I always say, I'll do it during the weekend. No, I end up doing it at like midnight on a Sunday when I need to be sleeping. I'm such a horrible procrastinator. Back when I first started, I stayed on top of things. Managed my time well and everything. Lol not anymore. ._.
     Did I ever tell you I love you? Lol. I do. Bunches. :3
Anyway, I need to go finish cooking and go get dressed and shit before people get here. Later.

Long day feelings.

I'm tired. And stressed. They told me Cooper would be okay, but I don't know. Poor guy. If something happens to him. .-. I love that dog, a lot. But, I think he'll be okay. Kind of funny that the vets agreed with idea. Lol.
I had a dream about you last night. .-. It wasn't a good dream, really. It was like. I had a dream that you fell for one of the guys in your class, and left me. Which I would understand, I guess. You know. There wouldn't be the 1,000s of miles of distance and everything. But, yeah. I don't know. Lol guess it's my turn to feel a little insecure? I don't know. I'm fine. Neh. I shouldn't love you this much. Like. I'm scared of loving you this much. Is that bad? Don't get me wrong, I fucking love it like you wouldn't imagine. I just don't want to like, do something and watch us both fall. Or vice versa. I'm just scared. But, I'm not going anywhere if you're not. You just... mean way too much to me, I guess. I love you.
School... ugh. I have to big projects I need to do, but I don't want to. I don't care anymoreeee. Why can't fucking June just get here already. I want to get a stable job, I want to move out and get an apartment. Fuck, even if it's just a studio apartment, I don't care. I just need something you know? I don't want to live with anyone. But, at least I have the option of my grandmas friend, family friends, whatever you wanna call them. They're chill enough. Friendly. I know I wouldn't have to worry about getting beat up there! Haha. Too Christian of folks, I guess. Probably wouldn't even raise their voice with me. And I would enjoy helping them, would keep me busy. Keep me doing stuff. The only thing that might get a little annoying is just going out and getting groceries, but that's okay. I'll manage. I just hate shopping. Haha. But yeah, I don't want to live with anyone, though. You know? It's just gonna suck. Forreal.
Soccer, I heard that the coach I can't stand is coming back. I don't like him so much, that he makes me not even want to play this season, how bad is that? I /hate/ him. He is insane. He has a criminal background, but like fucking morons, the school doesn't do background checks, because they're retarded. I hate it. It's like if you would just look at this guys past, you would know that he is not at all suited to be out on the field. He also coaches basketball and he got thrown out of their game a week ago. Got thrown out of several of our games. And the foot ball coaches. They have no right talking to their kids the way they do. I mean, I understand being rough on them, because it's football. But, they are like abusive to these kids. Calling them all kinds of demeaning and degrading things. But, my school is just too fucking blind to do anything about it. It really does piss me off. You just don't even know. Sorry. Sports rant over.
I don't even know I just feel like writing. Even though I should probably put this writing into use by doing my English project. But. Neh.
I gotta go cook soon. Stupid Superbowl party. Gotta make sure I get most of it done tonight. My grandma was supposed to do it, but she isn't feeling well. So like the nice guy I am, I told her I'd do it so she could rest. Because that's what old grammys need, is rest when they don't feel well. I think I'm done for now. Yeah. Adios.