. . .

I don't even feel like writing right now. This is just a bottle up inside kind of thing. I don't know.

Exams.

Exams this week. Guess who is stressing? This guy. This guy right here. If I don't pass my tests, I'm not going to pass my classes for the sememster which means I might not graduate. Ugh. I'm worried. I know I should study.... I just don't want to. I don't care enough to... Teachers are asses. Don't grade fairly. One hates my gut for no damn reason. Fuck them all. I don't care. They can all go somewhere. Don't want to see peoples faces anymore. I'm tired of social interaction. The friend I really had at school, I don't even talk to anymore. I mean yeah it sucks, but. I did it myself... she was getting to needy of me... I can't help but distance myself from that. Just who I am. I've distanced myself from all my friends really... online and real life. I'm sure no one is happy at me about that. And I apologize. But, yeah. I need my space right now. I'm at a point where I just don't want to be bothered by anyone. I'm tired of being everyone's superhero. I need a break. I need to get my life straight before I worry about dealing with everyone else and trying to solve everyone else's problems.

Tired of it.

I'm worried.
I'm worried and I'm stressed about a lot of things. I don't know what to do... where to go right now. You're the only thing I have to look up to. Too bad you're on the other side of the world. Too bad you can't be in my arms right now. Where I know you'll be okay. You tell me that you don't need taking care. Sorry, I'd do it anyway. It's my natural instinct to protect people... help them, you're no different. If anything you're more important. You're my priority right now. I look up to you. Of course not height wise but I do. You've such a brilliant mind. You interest me so much. All the time. I hope that my never getting mad at you never bothers you like badly. I wish I could tell you why I don't. I just... I don't even know myself to explain it to you.
I want to help you. I know there's a lot bothering you. I can tell. You think too much. You're like me in that sense. Over-thinking ftw I reckon.
And school. I just don't even know anymore. I'm done. I'm tired. And I'm irritated. I want it to be over with. I can't handle much more of this. It's constant. People raging on me. No one ever has anything really positive to say to me outside of the internet. I'm not different offline, really. Same goofy me. Well... I guess that's not entirely true. I'm a lot more quiet and caved in. I don't let many people at all get to know me. I don't like being left. The two men that I know loved me... left me here to deal with this myself. I know it's selfish of me, to be mad at them for it. But, why? If there is a fucking God why the fuck did you have to take the people who meant the most to me. The people who really loved me. Never got upset with me, really. And if they did. They got over it. I hate this. I hate crying. I hate breaking down, but you're sleeping right now. If you didn't have school I'd try and wake you up, but I don't want to. You need your rest, I can't be selfish like that. I'll handle my own. My head is killing me. I don't feel well at all. Knock on wood but I think I'm getting sick. Ha. Course.
My soccer coach texted me when I was in school today. Told me that she needed to talk to me. But, she couldn't tell me through the phone. That I needed to stop by her house one day. Well, she lives about 5 minutes away. And I've early dismissal all week from school. I'll stop by there one day and see what's up. I hope she's okay. She is an amazing woman.
I think I'm done for now... I can't be bothered to type more. The rest I'll just keep to myself.

Really?

Okay. I don't mind lending money when I have it to people I care about. But, when my family who I don't much care for starts harassing me for money, well then we have a problem, and I'm not okay with that. And of course, it's like father like son. Grandpa and my dad won't leave me the hell alone. I'm not giving you my money. And my dad can really go fuck himself because I outright refuse to give someone money who has treated me like I'm nothing more than a dog for like the past 11 years of my life. I'm done
So stop asking me for money. Stop harassing me. Or I'm gonna do something about it myself. My tolerance has ended. And I honestly wish my dad would come and try something. Oh how I'd love to kick his ass. I'm bigger than him now. I can take him. No more being the little kid getting thrown around.
You want a fight jackasses? I'm all for it.

Voices being heard.

I feel kind of dumb being 17, and just now getting politically involved. I've always had my views on politics, I just chose to keep them significantly go myself. But, no with this internet censorship. It's my time to step and let my voice be heard. I know that everyone has their time when they are finally brought into being involved in something. Like Ben said, we're just a bit late starting than some other people.
Oh well though, what can you do. For me personally, this is my time. My time to be heard. I actually feel like doing something about this, and that NDAA? Scary... I'll definitely be keep my tabs on American government now. I'm almost 18. I vote this year. I need to figure out where I stand politically. I feel like I am a libertarian at this point. I have a love for my country. Even if my love does not extend to my Government. I feel we need to get rid of our government. Or modernize it at least.
Just something.
We have to do something. And something quick.


I want our country to be able to live freely. I want us all to have our proper liberties. We used to be a flourished country... you can just see, in our history how corrupted we've become in the past few generations. And it's only getting worse... not better. And for the people who aren't worrying. Well, we know that you don't keep tracks. Maybe all the people who actually are worrying are just crazy and everyone else is right. Who the fuck even knows anymore. Not I.
I feel like everything I've been told about my country and our government is a lie. I feel we can't be trusted. And I feel like sharing a quote that Ben told me from a song.  'What? The land of the free? Whoever told you that is your enemy!

Neeeh.

So. I've been kind of thinking, about stuff. And I feel bored. I want to do something.
I want to get away and explore. I am so stressed over school. I'm so socially messed up, I'm scared that if I go away to college it'll be more trouble for me than it's worth. But... if I stay here and go to community college, then I have to find somewhere to live.
Grandpa already told me that he doesn't want me living here because he'll have more room and he'll make me pay rent.
I need to get a steady job. One that doesn't just work me on holidays. But, where the heck am I gonna work, that I can juggle and play soccer? I'm playing soccer this year. This is my last year of legit team soccer.
God that's so upsetting... soccer is like my life. I don't wan't to give it up. But, if I keep playing all through college, where is that gonna put me? Crippled? I'd rather not, thanks. As much as I want to play, and keep going. I value my walking a bit more.
I'm getting behind in school. lol. Senioritis. I swear.
I want to be out so badly, that I just don't care. Is that bad? I'm not sure that should happen. I know I need like a punch in the face to get me back on track, I just can't. Neh.

Funny dreams.

I went to bed really late last night. Way later than I should have, but I needed to do my English project, which for the record. I didn't end up doing. Whoops. So I woke up this morning kinda confused about why I was home. Because, I was having a perfectly normal dream that I was at school. Doing school work and all the normal things. Woke up, looked around and was like what the heck... XD