I am... I don't know. Things are just... rough right now. I'm trying not to let it show so if it seems like I'm coming off kind of jerkish it's just because I don't really know how to deal with this right now... more so things with my dad than anything. I hate Christmas. I always have. I'm trying not to let it really show but Christmas is just a rough time for me. I never really had a good family time during Christmas. Never had the closeness of immediate family to wake up to on Christmas. Never had Santa Claus, which I mean... yeah that was partly my fault because I told my mom I didn't think Santa could exist, but nevertheless. Santa or no Santa, I never really got much ever.
And now my dad is really sick and I just... I still don't know what to feel about that. I don't know if I should feel indifferent or if I should feel remorse? I don't really know... so many times he's told me he didn't care if something happened to me. And even a few times where he was the one who decided to try and take that into his own hands. I refuse to try and make amends with him anymore... I just, I really can't handle it. I'm tired of him. I'm tired of all the crap he's put me through... I just want it all to end. Even when he isn't directly doing something to me I always have something on my mind that really bothers me about him. And I try so hard to keep it all back to keep it from bothering me, but I can't. Sigh... I don't know what to do. I still wish he would call me and just once... just once in my life tell me he was proud of me or something, some kind of fucking acknowledgement from him that I've not turned out to be a complete waste of life or anything like that... but it'll never happen so I may as well just forget that. He'll probably forever think I'm the worst thing that could ever have happened to him and hate me forever. Which, I've pretty much come to accept that. It is what it is. I can't change the way he feels about me. I don't think I do anything to him to deserve the way he treats me, but who knows. Maybe he thinks I do.
I miss Greg... it's really hard around Christmas time though because he used to get me little gifts but they were little gifts that meant a lot to me... and whenever I would fall asleep in the car or something after our Christmas dinner he'd carry me into the house and tuck me in bed and everything and fuck I'm crying... I just really miss him. Like, so much... he was like what I imagine a real good dad would be like. Someone caring and understanding and he was supportive. He genuinely cared for me and he loved me and I feel like sometimes I took that for granted and I should've visited him more when he was in a nursing home or called him more, or even told him I love him more but I didn't... and now he's gone and fuck it's hard. I can't let my mom know it bothers me though. She has a hard enough time with Christmas let alone with me telling her I'm upset about him. And I hate, hate, hate so much that I had to be the one to tell her that he died... I will never in my life forget the look on her face when I did. But yeah... it's just hard losing one of the few people who you knew loved you unconditionally and you thought was always going to care for you. My grandpa was the same way. He used to call me Super Pax or Paxyman and he'd always go on walks with me or take me fishing and I knew that if I ever needed something I could talk to him but now he's gone too and pretty much I'm just... by myself. And I hate it so much.
I mean, yeah. I have my mom but hell I'm doing the parenting even for her. I'm taking care of her and everything. And my little brother, and neither of them really show any real appreciation for it. Or they've always something to nitpick about. And yeah, I love my mom, and I know she loves me, but even her and I went through a period where I don't think she was very fond of me or anything and it really puts a burden on me. Not that I'll ever let that show or anything of the sorts.
And I'm sorry I'm so worrisome. I really try not to... you just really gotta understand where I'm coming from with alcohol. The first time I had a drink in a long, long time was my 18th and I didn't even drink a lot. And that was just a once in a long time celebratory drink. Won't happen again for quite awhile, I'm sure. You seem to be frequenting more and more. And ugh, I hate telling you it bothers me because I hate having you change your ways because I'm stupid. I don't care if you go out and have fun just be prepared for me to not be in a great mood about it. I won't bitch at you about it, of course. I just don't really want to hear about it because it terrifies me something is going to happen to you or that you're going to get a bit too friendly with it and then you're gonna start making stupid mistakes like me and I'm so sorry I'm like this I'm just... I've just a lot going on right now that's really bothering me and this isn't a major thing but it's adding to it.
I just... I really hate Christmas a lot of bad memories come back to me and I don't want to deal with it but I don't wanna seem like a little shit for complaining about it but fuck I have like seasonal depression I think. I'm trying so hard to make myself seem happy and what not... thinking hey maybe it'll make me happy but it's not... I'm not happy. I'm sad. I'm just really sad... and I feel really lonely. I know I'm not... I've friends but I don't have friends here. I don't have anyone who is actually here that I can hug and lean on and all of my friends that I ever really get close to leaves me... or doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Or they're here one minute and decide to ignore me the next. I'm tired of fucking people in my life leaving me. I'm just tired of all this crap. The only real person I have that I know will always be there for me, and is not even a fucking person is Cooper. That's sad but I don't care... he helps though. He knows when I'm upset. Like now. He's laying beside me licking my face a little with his head on my shoulder. Silly, dog... but he's the best dog I've ever had in my life. Anyway... I reckon I'm done with this I don't know what else to say.
