My heart is in you
Where you go you carry me
I bleed
If you bleed
Your heart beats
Inside of me
You're keeping me alive ~ Keeping Me Alive by The Afters
I really like that. It's true, though. You are keeping me alive. Even when I'm down in the ditches and don't fee l like getting back up. You're right there for me. My light at the end of a dark tunnel. Lately I've been really aching to have you with me... I want to hold you so badly. Having even the remote chance of having to meet you soon, is wonderful. I want to meet you so badly. I'm going to throw a fucking fit if I can't...
I wish there was something more that I could do for Cody, I know he's sad. I know he's depressed. And like I told him... the best thing for him to do is to not let himself say I can't do anything... just lay in bed and think of all the little things, big things, everything that you want to do, and tell yourself you can do it. Repeatedly. Until you fall asleep. I suppose we'll see... hopefully it helps him. I'm no therapist, but with ours going through a really rough time as well right now, reckon I'll be the closest thing to one for him for awhile. Not that I mind.. but nyeh.
I am hoping I hear back from one of the jobs I applied to today... I don't care if it's a crappy job, I just really need something. Even if it's something little, I need something. I would like to get the job at Eagle Medical, but I don't know if they'll want to take the time to precept me though, I suppose only time will tell now... I wouldn't mind working at 7-11, I suppose. It's money. Even if not the most enjoyable job. I do want to eventually get into a TRFA, which is going to kill my ass, but it'll be worth it in the end, I think. Hmm. I don't
know.
I still feel depressed... I am working on it though, and outwardly, I'm definitely getting better, even inwardly, I'm feeling better. I'm not 100% but I'm getting there. I am.. I think I'm done for now.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
What I am.
I am a friend.
I am a son.
I am a boyfriend.
I am a National Registry EMT
I am caring.
I am shy.
I am kind of closed-off.
I am intelligent.
I am a bookworm.
I wish that I were something more than what I am.
Something more than what I was born to be.
I wish I was able to do something more.
I wish I had what it took to do something to change the world.
In a way, I do change the world.
I change it in a small way.
I change it in my own way.
I'm planning on dedicating my life to saving others, being there for someone when they need it the most.
I may not be Albert Einstein
I may not be Christopher Columbus.
But, I am going to do my best to change the world in my own little way.
I am going to be somebody, to someone.
I am going to live to the fullest and love my hardest.
I am a son.
I am a boyfriend.
I am a National Registry EMT
I am caring.
I am shy.
I am kind of closed-off.
I am intelligent.
I am a bookworm.
I wish that I were something more than what I am.
Something more than what I was born to be.
I wish I was able to do something more.
I wish I had what it took to do something to change the world.
In a way, I do change the world.
I change it in a small way.
I change it in my own way.
I'm planning on dedicating my life to saving others, being there for someone when they need it the most.
I may not be Albert Einstein
I may not be Christopher Columbus.
But, I am going to do my best to change the world in my own little way.
I am going to be somebody, to someone.
I am going to live to the fullest and love my hardest.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
"The more you say, the less people remember." -François Fénelon
I really like that quote, because frankly, I really don't speak all that often when I'm out in public with a group of people. So, I try to make the things I say a little more meaningful rather than the pointless ramblings that most of society does nowadays. I'm not the most eloquent person, and I don't speak the greatest even though I'd like to. I don't have the most wonderful way with words the way some people do, and can write things that just draw people in and are like, "wow, I really relate and connect to that." Yeah, that's just... that's not me. Although, I wish it could be me. However, one positive thing that I can say is, I don't have my stutter anymore, not usually anyway. It occasionally comes out to bite me in the butt, but for the most part I'm able to control myself and just breathe enough to speak normally and not get laughed at or something.
I really wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life, but I really don't and it's so frustrating... I think my options at this point and time are: Fire/EMS, Law Enforcement, Shipyard, Vet Tech, Surgery Tech, or a Game Warden. Fire/EMS is my biggest passion, I think. I'm wonderful at actually doing it but when it comes down to having to take the written portion of it all, I fail miserably and I hope so badly that I don't fail the exam a second time, because I really don't need to be knocked down any lower than I already am, but we'll see. I'm going to try and my best and hope for the best, I think I'll get it this time. I've two weeks to really prepare for it, I think I can do it this time. I just need to get comfortable with the readings of scenarios and not second guess myself so much, because that's one of my biggest problems, is I second guess the answer that I chose and wind up picking the wrong answer and it's so infuriating. I still can't believe that Krystal just straight up guessed when she didn't get an answer right, and she still passed! What the heck is that crap, I don't even. Ugh ugh ugh. Becoming a police officer, I think that's definitely something I could wind up doing, but I have to be at least 21 to do that, unfortunately. So, I think if I decide to pursue that career, I'd stay at the shipyard sometime between me being 21-25 and get a degree in Criminal Justice, get into the Police Academy, then become an officer, and eventually work my way up into some sort of investigator. I don't know though, we'll have to see. I don't want to stay at the shipyard forever though, my body has already taken such a toll, doing manual labor like that til the day I retire is bound to kill me or cripple me. It'll be a race to see which happens first. What do you think, Blogger? Not that anyone is going to respond to this, so I'm just going to ask my blog and laugh at myself because I'm a lonely mother fucker.
I don't know why I'm so sad. Well, scratch that, I know exactly why I'm so sad. I know what really started my tumble downwards, I was already a little down, but that one subconscious memory come to life in my dreams was all I needed to send me on a free fall downwards, and hit the bottom with the force to turn my life entirely upside down and make me race and fight to climb out of the pit that is now my life. It's a sad and lonely in this dark hole. I know I have people around me, but for some reason, things just don't feel the same. I have trouble getting to that intimate level I was with them. And, it's of course not anyone's fault but my own, but what can I say, I still feel horribly miserable that I can't do anything to change it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I'm so absolutely terrified that I'm going to end up alone again to fight off my depression. That was a very scary part of my life, knowing you don't really have a single person you can fall back on. You're just this fucked up kid, in this fucked up life, that you have to figure out how to live in on your own. I don't know though, I just don't. I know I'm told that I'm not as fucked up as I think I am, but to me, I am as fucked up as I think I am. I am good at masking what I'm feeling on the inside, even if that one person knows me inside and out and sometimes better than I know myself. In the end, I know I'm messed up. I know I have problems with people and when I watch people who interact with other people so easily, I can't help but just stare... I just don't understand how some people can do that, just openly talk to any person they come across. Someone tries and talks to me it's all I can do not to run away and hide somewhere where I know they won't find me and try and talk to me some more and force me into a social interaction that I really don't want to be in. When I'm alone, it's like... my comfort, yet my own personal hell. I feel peace in being alone, but then sometimes being alone makes me feel like I'm locked in this tiny box with a straight jacket on with no where to go and no one that cares and no one to help me. I'm just there... in this dark box, cold and alone. It's a very frightening feeling, when you feel like that. But, then there's the other times I mentioned where being alone is wonderful. Not having to worry about other people bothering me, being with my books, in my own personal little space and it protects me from the socialness that I so despise and can't help. I feel so horrible that I can't be happy for the person that is my life and my love. I want to be, so badly. I try so hard to be everything you need and want and it's hard sometimes, it really is. I hope you still think I'm good enough for you, I know you don't mind helping me but you do have your own problems and it makes me sad that you might need to leave for a couple days, but I also know that if it comes to that, to just let you go because I know that you need it and I don't want you to snap at me because I become too much to handle and then we'll both be upset and then that'll just lead to bad things... and bad feelings that I don't want to have. I don't want to make you upset with me, I just want you happy. In whatever way I have to and I don't know. I'm going to try and be better for you. Some way or another, I'll figure it out. Just gotta try harder, I guess.
I want so badly to live a life that I can be happy and satisfied with. I know there was a time, when I thought not living would be what's best. That would be my final happiness that would make everything that I face in my shit hole life, better. But... now I've changed, now I have a value to my life. And my god the Sword of Truth series is probably the most relateable books I've ever read in my entire life. The power of the human spirit when really put to the test, can be unfathomably wonderful. But, you'll still have those people who will fight against who don't want happiness, who just want the money, the fame, and power. I just want to do something worth being remembered for, even if it's something small, even if I just change a couple lives, that's more lives than some people change. Even though people scare me, I really do care about them. I really do want to help them, even though it's incredibly hard for me to actually talk to someone. I'm good on action, but lacking in being able to have a conversation with someone I don't know. I want to travel very badly, I never did as a child, so I want to see new things, new people, try new things. I want to get out of my comfort zone, but doing that is scary, and I don't know if I'd really in the end, be able to handle it, I guess we'd see.
I think I'm done for now, though. This was a really long blog, didn't mean to make it this long but anyway. G'night.
I really wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life, but I really don't and it's so frustrating... I think my options at this point and time are: Fire/EMS, Law Enforcement, Shipyard, Vet Tech, Surgery Tech, or a Game Warden. Fire/EMS is my biggest passion, I think. I'm wonderful at actually doing it but when it comes down to having to take the written portion of it all, I fail miserably and I hope so badly that I don't fail the exam a second time, because I really don't need to be knocked down any lower than I already am, but we'll see. I'm going to try and my best and hope for the best, I think I'll get it this time. I've two weeks to really prepare for it, I think I can do it this time. I just need to get comfortable with the readings of scenarios and not second guess myself so much, because that's one of my biggest problems, is I second guess the answer that I chose and wind up picking the wrong answer and it's so infuriating. I still can't believe that Krystal just straight up guessed when she didn't get an answer right, and she still passed! What the heck is that crap, I don't even. Ugh ugh ugh. Becoming a police officer, I think that's definitely something I could wind up doing, but I have to be at least 21 to do that, unfortunately. So, I think if I decide to pursue that career, I'd stay at the shipyard sometime between me being 21-25 and get a degree in Criminal Justice, get into the Police Academy, then become an officer, and eventually work my way up into some sort of investigator. I don't know though, we'll have to see. I don't want to stay at the shipyard forever though, my body has already taken such a toll, doing manual labor like that til the day I retire is bound to kill me or cripple me. It'll be a race to see which happens first. What do you think, Blogger? Not that anyone is going to respond to this, so I'm just going to ask my blog and laugh at myself because I'm a lonely mother fucker.
I don't know why I'm so sad. Well, scratch that, I know exactly why I'm so sad. I know what really started my tumble downwards, I was already a little down, but that one subconscious memory come to life in my dreams was all I needed to send me on a free fall downwards, and hit the bottom with the force to turn my life entirely upside down and make me race and fight to climb out of the pit that is now my life. It's a sad and lonely in this dark hole. I know I have people around me, but for some reason, things just don't feel the same. I have trouble getting to that intimate level I was with them. And, it's of course not anyone's fault but my own, but what can I say, I still feel horribly miserable that I can't do anything to change it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I'm so absolutely terrified that I'm going to end up alone again to fight off my depression. That was a very scary part of my life, knowing you don't really have a single person you can fall back on. You're just this fucked up kid, in this fucked up life, that you have to figure out how to live in on your own. I don't know though, I just don't. I know I'm told that I'm not as fucked up as I think I am, but to me, I am as fucked up as I think I am. I am good at masking what I'm feeling on the inside, even if that one person knows me inside and out and sometimes better than I know myself. In the end, I know I'm messed up. I know I have problems with people and when I watch people who interact with other people so easily, I can't help but just stare... I just don't understand how some people can do that, just openly talk to any person they come across. Someone tries and talks to me it's all I can do not to run away and hide somewhere where I know they won't find me and try and talk to me some more and force me into a social interaction that I really don't want to be in. When I'm alone, it's like... my comfort, yet my own personal hell. I feel peace in being alone, but then sometimes being alone makes me feel like I'm locked in this tiny box with a straight jacket on with no where to go and no one that cares and no one to help me. I'm just there... in this dark box, cold and alone. It's a very frightening feeling, when you feel like that. But, then there's the other times I mentioned where being alone is wonderful. Not having to worry about other people bothering me, being with my books, in my own personal little space and it protects me from the socialness that I so despise and can't help. I feel so horrible that I can't be happy for the person that is my life and my love. I want to be, so badly. I try so hard to be everything you need and want and it's hard sometimes, it really is. I hope you still think I'm good enough for you, I know you don't mind helping me but you do have your own problems and it makes me sad that you might need to leave for a couple days, but I also know that if it comes to that, to just let you go because I know that you need it and I don't want you to snap at me because I become too much to handle and then we'll both be upset and then that'll just lead to bad things... and bad feelings that I don't want to have. I don't want to make you upset with me, I just want you happy. In whatever way I have to and I don't know. I'm going to try and be better for you. Some way or another, I'll figure it out. Just gotta try harder, I guess.
I want so badly to live a life that I can be happy and satisfied with. I know there was a time, when I thought not living would be what's best. That would be my final happiness that would make everything that I face in my shit hole life, better. But... now I've changed, now I have a value to my life. And my god the Sword of Truth series is probably the most relateable books I've ever read in my entire life. The power of the human spirit when really put to the test, can be unfathomably wonderful. But, you'll still have those people who will fight against who don't want happiness, who just want the money, the fame, and power. I just want to do something worth being remembered for, even if it's something small, even if I just change a couple lives, that's more lives than some people change. Even though people scare me, I really do care about them. I really do want to help them, even though it's incredibly hard for me to actually talk to someone. I'm good on action, but lacking in being able to have a conversation with someone I don't know. I want to travel very badly, I never did as a child, so I want to see new things, new people, try new things. I want to get out of my comfort zone, but doing that is scary, and I don't know if I'd really in the end, be able to handle it, I guess we'd see.
I think I'm done for now, though. This was a really long blog, didn't mean to make it this long but anyway. G'night.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
Critical Low Point.
I'm sad. I'm really, very sad. I don't know if this keeps up for too much longer I'm probably going to make myself a doctors appointment or something, I don't know... maybe I need anti-depressants or something. I hate the thought of needing them but meh...
Getting called self-centered was probably one of the worst insults I've gotten in a while... even if it was only directed to that one statement, which wasn't even what I said for the record... I don't know. I just, I do so much, for everyone, go without so others can have, work my ass off to take care of other people and I got called self-centered... that's going to e something I'll probably never forget and I'll be doing a lot of thinking and self-searching... that made me "bellyache."
"There will be times when I'm going to collapse all over you, and other times when I'm going to want my space, I don't know why. It's just me... it's just how I am, how I've always been, and how I'll always be." I was not saying that as I only need you for picking me back up... sigh, what that meant is there's times when I"m going to break down and there's times when I'm going to have to have my anti-socialness. Everything I say always gets fucking twisted and taken the wrong way, I hate it so much...
After that email it kind of made me not want to try anymore... last night was bad. I didn't get to sleep til like 5 and even then it was shitty sleep... i'm exhausted. In every kind of way. I had thoughts I don't want to have last night... although I never went unresponsive, which I guess is a good thing... I just want to feel better. I want to be your friend, you mean so much to me but you're not understanding what I'm saying. What you do read of my email you're taking the wrong way... asdjlkajsdfklajsdf I hope we'll work things out eventually but for now I can't.. I'm so sorry..
Getting called self-centered was probably one of the worst insults I've gotten in a while... even if it was only directed to that one statement, which wasn't even what I said for the record... I don't know. I just, I do so much, for everyone, go without so others can have, work my ass off to take care of other people and I got called self-centered... that's going to e something I'll probably never forget and I'll be doing a lot of thinking and self-searching... that made me "bellyache."
"There will be times when I'm going to collapse all over you, and other times when I'm going to want my space, I don't know why. It's just me... it's just how I am, how I've always been, and how I'll always be." I was not saying that as I only need you for picking me back up... sigh, what that meant is there's times when I"m going to break down and there's times when I'm going to have to have my anti-socialness. Everything I say always gets fucking twisted and taken the wrong way, I hate it so much...
After that email it kind of made me not want to try anymore... last night was bad. I didn't get to sleep til like 5 and even then it was shitty sleep... i'm exhausted. In every kind of way. I had thoughts I don't want to have last night... although I never went unresponsive, which I guess is a good thing... I just want to feel better. I want to be your friend, you mean so much to me but you're not understanding what I'm saying. What you do read of my email you're taking the wrong way... asdjlkajsdfklajsdf I hope we'll work things out eventually but for now I can't.. I'm so sorry..
Friday, January 25, 2013
Monday, December 24, 2012
I'm just really tired.
I am... I don't know. Things are just... rough right now. I'm trying not to let it show so if it seems like I'm coming off kind of jerkish it's just because I don't really know how to deal with this right now... more so things with my dad than anything. I hate Christmas. I always have. I'm trying not to let it really show but Christmas is just a rough time for me. I never really had a good family time during Christmas. Never had the closeness of immediate family to wake up to on Christmas. Never had Santa Claus, which I mean... yeah that was partly my fault because I told my mom I didn't think Santa could exist, but nevertheless. Santa or no Santa, I never really got much ever.
And now my dad is really sick and I just... I still don't know what to feel about that. I don't know if I should feel indifferent or if I should feel remorse? I don't really know... so many times he's told me he didn't care if something happened to me. And even a few times where he was the one who decided to try and take that into his own hands. I refuse to try and make amends with him anymore... I just, I really can't handle it. I'm tired of him. I'm tired of all the crap he's put me through... I just want it all to end. Even when he isn't directly doing something to me I always have something on my mind that really bothers me about him. And I try so hard to keep it all back to keep it from bothering me, but I can't. Sigh... I don't know what to do. I still wish he would call me and just once... just once in my life tell me he was proud of me or something, some kind of fucking acknowledgement from him that I've not turned out to be a complete waste of life or anything like that... but it'll never happen so I may as well just forget that. He'll probably forever think I'm the worst thing that could ever have happened to him and hate me forever. Which, I've pretty much come to accept that. It is what it is. I can't change the way he feels about me. I don't think I do anything to him to deserve the way he treats me, but who knows. Maybe he thinks I do.
I miss Greg... it's really hard around Christmas time though because he used to get me little gifts but they were little gifts that meant a lot to me... and whenever I would fall asleep in the car or something after our Christmas dinner he'd carry me into the house and tuck me in bed and everything and fuck I'm crying... I just really miss him. Like, so much... he was like what I imagine a real good dad would be like. Someone caring and understanding and he was supportive. He genuinely cared for me and he loved me and I feel like sometimes I took that for granted and I should've visited him more when he was in a nursing home or called him more, or even told him I love him more but I didn't... and now he's gone and fuck it's hard. I can't let my mom know it bothers me though. She has a hard enough time with Christmas let alone with me telling her I'm upset about him. And I hate, hate, hate so much that I had to be the one to tell her that he died... I will never in my life forget the look on her face when I did. But yeah... it's just hard losing one of the few people who you knew loved you unconditionally and you thought was always going to care for you. My grandpa was the same way. He used to call me Super Pax or Paxyman and he'd always go on walks with me or take me fishing and I knew that if I ever needed something I could talk to him but now he's gone too and pretty much I'm just... by myself. And I hate it so much.
I mean, yeah. I have my mom but hell I'm doing the parenting even for her. I'm taking care of her and everything. And my little brother, and neither of them really show any real appreciation for it. Or they've always something to nitpick about. And yeah, I love my mom, and I know she loves me, but even her and I went through a period where I don't think she was very fond of me or anything and it really puts a burden on me. Not that I'll ever let that show or anything of the sorts.
And I'm sorry I'm so worrisome. I really try not to... you just really gotta understand where I'm coming from with alcohol. The first time I had a drink in a long, long time was my 18th and I didn't even drink a lot. And that was just a once in a long time celebratory drink. Won't happen again for quite awhile, I'm sure. You seem to be frequenting more and more. And ugh, I hate telling you it bothers me because I hate having you change your ways because I'm stupid. I don't care if you go out and have fun just be prepared for me to not be in a great mood about it. I won't bitch at you about it, of course. I just don't really want to hear about it because it terrifies me something is going to happen to you or that you're going to get a bit too friendly with it and then you're gonna start making stupid mistakes like me and I'm so sorry I'm like this I'm just... I've just a lot going on right now that's really bothering me and this isn't a major thing but it's adding to it.
I just... I really hate Christmas a lot of bad memories come back to me and I don't want to deal with it but I don't wanna seem like a little shit for complaining about it but fuck I have like seasonal depression I think. I'm trying so hard to make myself seem happy and what not... thinking hey maybe it'll make me happy but it's not... I'm not happy. I'm sad. I'm just really sad... and I feel really lonely. I know I'm not... I've friends but I don't have friends here. I don't have anyone who is actually here that I can hug and lean on and all of my friends that I ever really get close to leaves me... or doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Or they're here one minute and decide to ignore me the next. I'm tired of fucking people in my life leaving me. I'm just tired of all this crap. The only real person I have that I know will always be there for me, and is not even a fucking person is Cooper. That's sad but I don't care... he helps though. He knows when I'm upset. Like now. He's laying beside me licking my face a little with his head on my shoulder. Silly, dog... but he's the best dog I've ever had in my life. Anyway... I reckon I'm done with this I don't know what else to say.
And now my dad is really sick and I just... I still don't know what to feel about that. I don't know if I should feel indifferent or if I should feel remorse? I don't really know... so many times he's told me he didn't care if something happened to me. And even a few times where he was the one who decided to try and take that into his own hands. I refuse to try and make amends with him anymore... I just, I really can't handle it. I'm tired of him. I'm tired of all the crap he's put me through... I just want it all to end. Even when he isn't directly doing something to me I always have something on my mind that really bothers me about him. And I try so hard to keep it all back to keep it from bothering me, but I can't. Sigh... I don't know what to do. I still wish he would call me and just once... just once in my life tell me he was proud of me or something, some kind of fucking acknowledgement from him that I've not turned out to be a complete waste of life or anything like that... but it'll never happen so I may as well just forget that. He'll probably forever think I'm the worst thing that could ever have happened to him and hate me forever. Which, I've pretty much come to accept that. It is what it is. I can't change the way he feels about me. I don't think I do anything to him to deserve the way he treats me, but who knows. Maybe he thinks I do.
I miss Greg... it's really hard around Christmas time though because he used to get me little gifts but they were little gifts that meant a lot to me... and whenever I would fall asleep in the car or something after our Christmas dinner he'd carry me into the house and tuck me in bed and everything and fuck I'm crying... I just really miss him. Like, so much... he was like what I imagine a real good dad would be like. Someone caring and understanding and he was supportive. He genuinely cared for me and he loved me and I feel like sometimes I took that for granted and I should've visited him more when he was in a nursing home or called him more, or even told him I love him more but I didn't... and now he's gone and fuck it's hard. I can't let my mom know it bothers me though. She has a hard enough time with Christmas let alone with me telling her I'm upset about him. And I hate, hate, hate so much that I had to be the one to tell her that he died... I will never in my life forget the look on her face when I did. But yeah... it's just hard losing one of the few people who you knew loved you unconditionally and you thought was always going to care for you. My grandpa was the same way. He used to call me Super Pax or Paxyman and he'd always go on walks with me or take me fishing and I knew that if I ever needed something I could talk to him but now he's gone too and pretty much I'm just... by myself. And I hate it so much.
I mean, yeah. I have my mom but hell I'm doing the parenting even for her. I'm taking care of her and everything. And my little brother, and neither of them really show any real appreciation for it. Or they've always something to nitpick about. And yeah, I love my mom, and I know she loves me, but even her and I went through a period where I don't think she was very fond of me or anything and it really puts a burden on me. Not that I'll ever let that show or anything of the sorts.
And I'm sorry I'm so worrisome. I really try not to... you just really gotta understand where I'm coming from with alcohol. The first time I had a drink in a long, long time was my 18th and I didn't even drink a lot. And that was just a once in a long time celebratory drink. Won't happen again for quite awhile, I'm sure. You seem to be frequenting more and more. And ugh, I hate telling you it bothers me because I hate having you change your ways because I'm stupid. I don't care if you go out and have fun just be prepared for me to not be in a great mood about it. I won't bitch at you about it, of course. I just don't really want to hear about it because it terrifies me something is going to happen to you or that you're going to get a bit too friendly with it and then you're gonna start making stupid mistakes like me and I'm so sorry I'm like this I'm just... I've just a lot going on right now that's really bothering me and this isn't a major thing but it's adding to it.
I just... I really hate Christmas a lot of bad memories come back to me and I don't want to deal with it but I don't wanna seem like a little shit for complaining about it but fuck I have like seasonal depression I think. I'm trying so hard to make myself seem happy and what not... thinking hey maybe it'll make me happy but it's not... I'm not happy. I'm sad. I'm just really sad... and I feel really lonely. I know I'm not... I've friends but I don't have friends here. I don't have anyone who is actually here that I can hug and lean on and all of my friends that I ever really get close to leaves me... or doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Or they're here one minute and decide to ignore me the next. I'm tired of fucking people in my life leaving me. I'm just tired of all this crap. The only real person I have that I know will always be there for me, and is not even a fucking person is Cooper. That's sad but I don't care... he helps though. He knows when I'm upset. Like now. He's laying beside me licking my face a little with his head on my shoulder. Silly, dog... but he's the best dog I've ever had in my life. Anyway... I reckon I'm done with this I don't know what else to say.
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