I really like that quote, because frankly, I really don't speak all that often when I'm out in public with a group of people. So, I try to make the things I say a little more meaningful rather than the pointless ramblings that most of society does nowadays. I'm not the most eloquent person, and I don't speak the greatest even though I'd like to. I don't have the most wonderful way with words the way some people do, and can write things that just draw people in and are like, "wow, I really relate and connect to that." Yeah, that's just... that's not me. Although, I wish it could be me. However, one positive thing that I can say is, I don't have my stutter anymore, not usually anyway. It occasionally comes out to bite me in the butt, but for the most part I'm able to control myself and just breathe enough to speak normally and not get laughed at or something.
I really wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life, but I really don't and it's so frustrating... I think my options at this point and time are: Fire/EMS, Law Enforcement, Shipyard, Vet Tech, Surgery Tech, or a Game Warden. Fire/EMS is my biggest passion, I think. I'm wonderful at actually doing it but when it comes down to having to take the written portion of it all, I fail miserably and I hope so badly that I don't fail the exam a second time, because I really don't need to be knocked down any lower than I already am, but we'll see. I'm going to try and my best and hope for the best, I think I'll get it this time. I've two weeks to really prepare for it, I think I can do it this time. I just need to get comfortable with the readings of scenarios and not second guess myself so much, because that's one of my biggest problems, is I second guess the answer that I chose and wind up picking the wrong answer and it's so infuriating. I still can't believe that Krystal just straight up guessed when she didn't get an answer right, and she still passed! What the heck is that crap, I don't even. Ugh ugh ugh. Becoming a police officer, I think that's definitely something I could wind up doing, but I have to be at least 21 to do that, unfortunately. So, I think if I decide to pursue that career, I'd stay at the shipyard sometime between me being 21-25 and get a degree in Criminal Justice, get into the Police Academy, then become an officer, and eventually work my way up into some sort of investigator. I don't know though, we'll have to see. I don't want to stay at the shipyard forever though, my body has already taken such a toll, doing manual labor like that til the day I retire is bound to kill me or cripple me. It'll be a race to see which happens first. What do you think, Blogger? Not that anyone is going to respond to this, so I'm just going to ask my blog and laugh at myself because I'm a lonely mother fucker.
I don't know why I'm so sad. Well, scratch that, I know exactly why I'm so sad. I know what really started my tumble downwards, I was already a little down, but that one subconscious memory come to life in my dreams was all I needed to send me on a free fall downwards, and hit the bottom with the force to turn my life entirely upside down and make me race and fight to climb out of the pit that is now my life. It's a sad and lonely in this dark hole. I know I have people around me, but for some reason, things just don't feel the same. I have trouble getting to that intimate level I was with them. And, it's of course not anyone's fault but my own, but what can I say, I still feel horribly miserable that I can't do anything to change it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I'm so absolutely terrified that I'm going to end up alone again to fight off my depression. That was a very scary part of my life, knowing you don't really have a single person you can fall back on. You're just this fucked up kid, in this fucked up life, that you have to figure out how to live in on your own. I don't know though, I just don't. I know I'm told that I'm not as fucked up as I think I am, but to me, I am as fucked up as I think I am. I am good at masking what I'm feeling on the inside, even if that one person knows me inside and out and sometimes better than I know myself. In the end, I know I'm messed up. I know I have problems with people and when I watch people who interact with other people so easily, I can't help but just stare... I just don't understand how some people can do that, just openly talk to any person they come across. Someone tries and talks to me it's all I can do not to run away and hide somewhere where I know they won't find me and try and talk to me some more and force me into a social interaction that I really don't want to be in. When I'm alone, it's like... my comfort, yet my own personal hell. I feel peace in being alone, but then sometimes being alone makes me feel like I'm locked in this tiny box with a straight jacket on with no where to go and no one that cares and no one to help me. I'm just there... in this dark box, cold and alone. It's a very frightening feeling, when you feel like that. But, then there's the other times I mentioned where being alone is wonderful. Not having to worry about other people bothering me, being with my books, in my own personal little space and it protects me from the socialness that I so despise and can't help. I feel so horrible that I can't be happy for the person that is my life and my love. I want to be, so badly. I try so hard to be everything you need and want and it's hard sometimes, it really is. I hope you still think I'm good enough for you, I know you don't mind helping me but you do have your own problems and it makes me sad that you might need to leave for a couple days, but I also know that if it comes to that, to just let you go because I know that you need it and I don't want you to snap at me because I become too much to handle and then we'll both be upset and then that'll just lead to bad things... and bad feelings that I don't want to have. I don't want to make you upset with me, I just want you happy. In whatever way I have to and I don't know. I'm going to try and be better for you. Some way or another, I'll figure it out. Just gotta try harder, I guess.
I want so badly to live a life that I can be happy and satisfied with. I know there was a time, when I thought not living would be what's best. That would be my final happiness that would make everything that I face in my shit hole life, better. But... now I've changed, now I have a value to my life. And my god the Sword of Truth series is probably the most relateable books I've ever read in my entire life. The power of the human spirit when really put to the test, can be unfathomably wonderful. But, you'll still have those people who will fight against who don't want happiness, who just want the money, the fame, and power. I just want to do something worth being remembered for, even if it's something small, even if I just change a couple lives, that's more lives than some people change. Even though people scare me, I really do care about them. I really do want to help them, even though it's incredibly hard for me to actually talk to someone. I'm good on action, but lacking in being able to have a conversation with someone I don't know. I want to travel very badly, I never did as a child, so I want to see new things, new people, try new things. I want to get out of my comfort zone, but doing that is scary, and I don't know if I'd really in the end, be able to handle it, I guess we'd see.
I think I'm done for now, though. This was a really long blog, didn't mean to make it this long but anyway. G'night.
