What am I doing with my life. I don't even know. I have like... 3 weeks left of my high school career and I don't know what to do with my life yet. Everything is going to crash on me when I graduate. My mom was being so mean to me today. I have told her, I need to work at least a year, so the financial burdens of college aren't too great for me. I can't afford college and supporting her and I right now. I am working two little shit jobs. I don't get any hours. I make enough money to get by. But, not to go to school.
I just want to go on this vacation. I just want to spend my time at the beach and fishing and say fuck it to everything else. I just want to be able to escape for a bit. Not have to deal with an overwhelmingly amount of fucking bullshit that everyone is throwing at me. My grandparents have been on me about not amounting to anything, my dad has called me worthless since I was young. And now my mom too? Wow, thank you SO fucking much for having faith in what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing. I know what I need to do be able to financially support myself in life. Even if I end up working my ass off my entire life until I can't move anymore. This is my life. These are my choices. You could at least have the fucking decency of supporting me along the way. But, no you don't. You're just going back to doing what get's to me the most. Saying that I'm going to end up a failure. Yeah, like you. I know you're "worried" But god damnit. That shit isn't going to help!
I don't know. I'm tired of not getting any kind of support. I'm tired of having to do everything on my own. I know I'm responsible, I know I can handle myself... but, damn. I can't do everything on my own with what little stability I have right now. And, I know I have you, and I know you aren't going anywhere. And don't think you don't help me, you do a lot. More than you'll ever know, really. But, I mean like a physical presence kind of help. Or support. That I thought my mom would give me, but no. Seems not. I'm just done. I'm borderline depressed right now, I can feel it. I keep tipping back and forth in and out of it. Too much more and I'm gonna tip right into one. I've too much going on right now. I just need to get away from it all. I've been feeling really sad lately... it's killing me. I hate feeling like this. But, I feel better when I talk to you. I don't feel as smothered, as soon as you leave though. It creeps back up to me. And starts smothering me again. This black cloud that just hangs over my head, always...
No comments:
Post a Comment