Roger Rabbit.

     I deemed it an appropriate title because I am listening to it now, and I am slightly (Okay, maybe not slightly) obsessed. But, that's besides the point of course... right? >_> Lol. Hmm. My life seems to be complicating again, I am trying to figure out what to do work it out without it becoming too overbearing for any one person. I have several people to include in what I chose to do, including myself, of course.
     Hmm. Well, for one me. I have a lot going on, and I'm not even doing anything right now. Just a lot of internal stress for external forces. If that makes sense, it makes sense to me okay? ;__; I need another job, desperately. But, I'm kind of picky on where I want to work. I REALLY want to work somewhere outside, but it's not seeming likely at this point, so I think I will have to pursue a job indoors. Sigh. I am going to be busy again at the end of August so I am going to have to find something willing to be lenient with my schedule. What a paaaain. I swear, Murphy's Law has special interest in my life. Constantly out to show it's ugly face wherever it can, whenever it can. Plus, I am working another job so on most Friday and Saturday, I will be unavailable for my other job unless I work the early morning shifts and be off in time to get to my next job. I do not like working two back-to-back jobs, but if that what it requires to get me through my hard time, then that is what I will do. I am okay with that. Being I am mature enough to handle myself in a tough situation. Yaaay growing up at a young age.
     Another thing that is concerning me, dealing with my mother. She said something to me the other day that is still weighing heavy on my mind and making me feel terrible. But, there is no way I can fix what has already happened. Living with no regrets, wouldn't that be an amazing thing? I cannot live without regrets, for too many things make me have to regret. Like for instance, what my mother said to me. It really makes me sad that she has felt that way all these years and is only now coming out with it. I hope I am not a disappointment to her. I have tried my hardest to live up to the man that she needs, since the one man that was good to her and the rest of my family passed on. I am unsure sometimes, especially when she makes statements like that. Yes, she may have thought I could handle that but that was a deep hit, and it will take time for me to let it go. Or accept that what's done is really done and the most I can do is make it better.. Sigh. Wow, this is going to prove to be a very long blog post. Oh well.
     Let's see... now my mother is of concern in my decision making. She would primarily be the person I do it for. My mom is becoming close to being homeless again, and I do not have the financial stability to help her much longer. I have $3 to my name. That's it. And when I do work, I only work on weekends, and the meagerly money I make there goes to keeping my moms head above water so she doesn't have a complete break down. She has to have her medicines to function. She went one day without her medicine and good lord, she turned to a different woman, a severely pained and snappy woman. I would not be able to tolerate that very long. I do not have the patience for it. But, I have to do something. I wish I could afford my own place, and get my mom out of where she is and support and get her medicine, but I cannot. Even more so since she brings absolutely no money in herself. She did before, but the government is fucking irritating and so damn picky on who they give out money to. Most people have to go to court to get disability because they most the time deny you. Fucked up, right? Mhm. Ughhhh.
     And, Sukanya. You are of course, of concern too. Being of major importance in my life. If I were to take on a second job I would not be around very much, at all. Between my EMT classes, and balancing two jobs, and studying? Sigh. I fear it would be too much for you. But, again. I am left with little other choices. Actually... I'm left with no other choices. I do not know what else to do. I will try my best to be with you as much as possible. But, I can't see another way to help my mother, and support myself financially.
     At times like this, the military starts to seem like such a good option... I would have pretty firm job security, and I could still be a medic, I would just have to be trained in the crude ways of the military and how they train their medics, but I do not mind the gore, so I could manage, and they could help me further my career. I don't know. That is really the only other option I can conjure up... going and seeing a recruiter. I  am torn. I do not particularly want to join the military. I would join the Coast Guard, though. If I had to. Least severe of the branches. And honestly, I do not want to be cooped at a station. Doing station work. Since I have nothing tying me down right now I would want to go out on a boat and explore. I could go to all kinds of cool places. And still do what I love and be out on the water, which I love as well. I will admit it is ever becoming a more tempting option. Who knows, maybe I will set up an appointment with a recruiter and just see, doesn't hurt to explore that option, I suppose. Serve maybe 4 years in the service then be out and I could go back to college for something have the military to help pay for it. Or I could stay in and just go to bases. Being mindful I would need to stay somewhere near the coasts, rather than going to tornado alley, but that would not be such a bad thing, I guess. I rather enjoy the coast, it's what I grew up to. I just do not by any means wish to stay in Virginia. I love it so, but no. I want to leave it.
     Anyway, I do not know what to do right now. I am being put into a corner right now, with little option. But, I need to figure something out fast.

As frustrations build...

I feel so frustrated right now I feel like sobs are going to start fucking ripping through me. You really have struck a nerve tonight, and you can close to having me angry with you. I am always there, I always care you know this. Even if it doesn't seem like it, I do. Even if I'm a little distracted with something else, I do. I am not always going to be that attentive little puppy. But god when I am not, you jump so fast to the "You don't care" card. And that fucking sucks, honestly. That you hop so fast to that, like it's a common thing for me to treat you like shit or not listen to you or something. Not, "Oh hey... maybe he's just a little busy." No, no... because I'm a grade A ass I guess. Fuck. And then just now when you are trying to be straight forward it really seems like you're having to spell every little thing out to me because fuck maybe Paxton won't understand. I know you're not meaning to, but fuck. And then you saying that your problems aren't as great as mine, insinuating that I say they are? I mean, what. When do I ever do that? I don't know. I don't know with you right now. If it was at all your intentions to make me feel like complete shit? Good job, reckon you succeeded at that. Because fuck I do. I feel like you honestly think I belittle your problems and don't care. I mean, I try not to? Maybe I do? I mean I don't know... I think I'm just gonna curl up and just break for now.  Maybe that's just what I need, I don't know. I don't care right now, honestly.

Meh...

I had a dream you got angry I wasn't around so much and left me... I remember in this dream feeling incredibly depressed, like badly. It was scary. I know you're probably tired of hearing this from me, but I'm sorry I can't be around as much right now. And I have so much going on, I just hate to make you upset or anything. I'm kind of going through a rough time right now... between my moms liver failing and my uncle dying, and they told my mom that she was pre-diabetic, that's what took Greg away from me... I can't lose my mom too. That'll mean pretty much every person I ever truly cared for family wise, will be gone. My grandpa, the only person who deserves to be called my dad, my uncle and my mom if something happens to her. Gah. I can't handle this shit right now. I'm scared. And don't think for a second that I don't miss you... I miss you so much it's not even funny. I just can't be there as much as I used to be able to. Too much going on right now. Nothing can go right for any extended period of time, course not... that'd be too easy. Ugh.